Free Web NovelChapter 62: The Fourth Stomach
Sir Cut-n-Run and Sir Moo-Rlboro had the three members of the Garfunky family cornered.
Literally, they corralled the men into a corner as Backstab held out a cloth bag that looked suspiciously like a pillowcase for the men to fill up with valuables.
Both Sir Cut-n-Run and Sir Moo-Rlboro did not want to get too violent or discourage more attempts on Fate’s life.
If Ruby actually viewed these three men as a real threat, then she would have sent the Blood Maidens to deal with them.
Because Ruby sent these two members of the senior generation, it meant that she viewed these three as targets that could be repeatedly shaken down just like Prince Nimrod and the church.
Both Ruby and Amara think it’s important to have long-term rich people that they can rob and humiliate repeatedly. It’s a very steady source of income for the cult.
With shaking hands, Dunce pulled off his jewelry and deposited it into the bag that had blond beard hairs all over it.
Then he took off his necklaces and wallet and put them into the bag.
Dunce found a moment of courage and said to these two creatures in front of him,
"I don’t know who you two think you are, but Prince Nimrod Bloodsworn will make you pay for this travesty. He is not merciful to people who harass his people like this."
Sir Cut-n-Run stroked his beard and said to Dunce,
"That’s good news then. We need to pay that kid a visit soon as well. Not to mention, after you, we still have to stop by the church to collect the daily donation tax. They have the honor of feeding all of the poor and homeless in our territory. All thanks to the benevolent tax policies of our lord."
Lameish stepped forward and put his valuables into this suspicious bag. After hearing what Sir Cut-n-Run said, he responded,
"You fool, you have no idea what kind of forces you are provoking by robbing us. We have the direct support of Sultan Gaylord Nickumpoop as our backing. He will hear of this and send his soldiers to hunt you both down. Not only you but your abomination of a lord as well."
*Hauck Tuah*
*Splash*
As Lameish finished his threats, a giant wad of chew landed right on his head, burning away the hair.
"Ahh, you damn bastard cow, it burns! Sir Moo-Rlboro, I will remember you. The next time we meet, I will be having some USDA prime beef for supper."
Sir Moo-Rlboro looked at Lameish and cut the most condescending cow grin, saying to him,
"Lameish, not only are you now bald and broke, but the next time we meet, I will personally deliver a piece of my USDA Prime ass to your face. You’re welcome to take a bite if you dare. Ha ha."
As Sir Moo-Rlboro said this, he looked over the eleven guards in the corner of the room with a fearsome stink eye, making sure they didn’t make a run for it.
These men were still afraid of this cow and his cursed milk antics.
Finally, Ninny came up to Sir Cut-n-Run and gave him his valuables. Ninny could not help but ask the man a serious question,
"What kind of tax collector robs people with a damn pillowcase that clearly belongs to you and is covered in a suspicious amount of gloriously manly beard hair."
Sir Cut-n-Run put on a serious face and said to Ninny,
"Only someone who is so super serious about their job that they literally sleep ready to carry out their robbing, I mean tax collecting duties. Why, I have been using this same pillowcase to collect taxes for over fifty years. It’s still just as good as the day I found it by the roadside. All silky smooth, it keeps my beard nice and comfortable as I sleep at night."
All three men of the Garfunky family cringed at this statement, wondering why the hell someone would pick up a used pillowcase from the side of the road and use it for fifty years.
Dunce looked at Sir Moo-Rlboro while Backstab said that statement, and the cow did not have a surprised look on his face at all.
Then all fourteen men understood a single truth about this cow. No wonder he did not say anything about this. Mike is a cow that chews tobacco. It does not get much worse than that.
Ninny looked at Sir Moo-Rlboro as the cow began to look around their room, making him ask nervously,
"Um, Sir Moo-Rlboro, what are you looking for?"
Sir Moo-Rlboro responded to Ninny as he walked on all four hooves around the room, listening closely for noise.
"I’m looking for the secret stash. Self-righteous hypocrites like you always have a secret stash that they have hidden close to where they plan their evil deeds."
Normally, villains have the secret stash, but "good" guys like the Garfunky family also have stashes. In fact, the good guys in stories are always the most wealthy people in existence by the end of the story.
How do they get their wealth? From robbing and plundering harmless villains who were only minding their own business.
*Creak*
Sir Moo-Rlboro cried out in joy,
"Ha ha! I found it, Sir Cut-n-Run. We are in the money today. After this, the beers are on me tonight. After we make our first stop at the church."
When Sir Cut-n-Run heard talk of beer, he said out loud,
"Ha ha! We’ll have a little captain in us tonight, my bovine brethren."
Sir Moo-Rlboro used his body’s heavy weight to smash his hoof through the floor. freeweɓnovel.cøm
*Bam*
*Crack*
Sir Moo-Rlboro ripped the wood door off of the ground and stuck his horned head through the hole.
Mike’s eyes sparkled when he saw all of the gold down in this basement. These merchants brought a lot of gold ingots with them from Hildegard.
So with a mysterious power, Mike opened his mouth and sucked all of the gold into it. Some may wonder where Sir Moo-Rlboro keeps all of his things.
Well, the answer is simple. Cows have four stomachs. King Edmund Bloodsworn, when he made Sir Moo-Rlboro Mike, made sure that three of these stomachs could be used for other purposes than just holding food. freewebnovel.cσ๓
The royal court thought this a complete waste of taxpayers’ money. So that’s exactly why Edmund did it. What better way is there to be a villain than to waste taxpayer money on frivolous projects?
With the room now empty of its vast stash of gold and Sir Cut-n-Run carrying a giant fifty-year-old pillowcase of loot over his back, they left the home of the Garfunky family. But both of them knew that soon they would be back.
Sir Cut-n-Run looked up at the afternoon sun and said,
"Onward, my magnificently milk-filled friend, to the church!"
Behind these two, Dunce looked at them as he vowed that Fate would pay for taking all of their money like this.
Lucky for him, Valoria has a new service called the post office, with mysterious postmen wearing red, who allowed people to send "confidential messages" anywhere in the continent of Vale.
So Dunce will send a message to his family back in Hildegard to request more funds and aid from Sultan Gaylord Nickumpoop to solve his problems with Fate Grimsever.
But Dunce had no idea his actions would grab the attention of a certain business mogul named Luna Vizar.
