Free Web NovelChapter 5: Chapter 5: My Brother Likes to Poop
"Really? How good? Please, elaborate using a SWOT analysis." Gu Zhao stared at Ye Zuiyi with a dead-serious expression, as if she truly believed her and was waiting for a detailed explanation.
Ye Zuiyi’s smile froze on her face, but she quickly recovered, looking sweetly at Gu Zhao. "Okay, I’ll make a PowerPoint and send it to you."
Before Gu Zhao could react, she quickly changed the subject. "Oh, little sister, you have no idea how scared I was when I came home and you were gone. I looked for you for so long."
The corners of her eyes reddened on cue, making her look pitiful and cute.
Before Gu Zhao could say a word, Ye Zexi glared at her and moved to block Ye Zuiyi, as if afraid Gu Zhao would pounce at any second.
"Yibao, stay away from her," Ye Zexi told Ye Zuiyi in a gentle voice, afraid she was too soft-hearted and would be upset by such talk. "If she hurts you again, it’ll break your big brother’s heart."
He added, "If Mom knew I brought you on this show and let you get hurt, she’d chase me with a stick."
His tone was light and teasing, and as expected, Ye Zuiyi laughed. "Second Brother is the best! Mom would never hit you! Besides, Yibao will protect you!"
As she spoke, she even made a show of flexing her little arms.
"Our Yibao is the best."
Gu Zhao felt so pathetic. ’Forced to watch an adult soul act cute...’
’Willing to pay a hefty price for a pair of eyes that haven’t seen this, and a brain to go with them.’
’Willing to trade. Brain is ninety-percent new.’
"Hey, you little brat, who are those two? You know them?" Gu Xulin nudged Gu Zhao’s back with a finger, his eyes filled with curiosity as he watched the pair of siblings who only had eyes for each other. He was clearly enjoying the drama.
The nudge sent Gu Zhao stumbling a few steps forward. She looked thoroughly displeased. "My fowmer big bwother."
She then turned to Gu Xulin and added, "And you’we the wowst batch of big bwothers I’ve ever had to deal with!"
Gu Xulin was not happy. He felt insulted. "Bullshit! How could he be better than me? Your eyesight must be terrible. I’ll get you a doctor when we get home."
"What’s he got that I don’t, aside from being slimier?"
[Wow! So these two kids know each other? Looks like they were fighting. But the new little girl is so cute! I declare her my new daughter!]
[From what Ye Zexi was saying, it sounds like Gu Zhao is always bullying that other kid, huh?]
[Both kids know what a SWOT analysis is? Ugh, I’m so sick of seeing that term lately!! I don’t want to analyze anything ever again!]
[Gu Xulin is so rude.]
Ye Zexi and Ye Zuiyi went on to greet the others and make introductions, but Ye Zexi remained on high alert the entire time, keeping a wary eye on Gu Zhao.
Gu Zhao didn’t even glance their way. ’This whole gig is already a pain.’
Just then, a bald man in a hat walked over. He cleared his throat, and a malicious smile spread across his face as he looked at the guests.
"First off, a big welcome to all our Big Partners and Little Partners!"
"Allow me to introduce myself. I am the show’s chief director, Guo Qiang."
"You can call me Big Bro Guo or Old Guo. Either is fine. But don’t call me Bald Qiang. I think I’m much handsomer than he is."
The live comments and the cast all burst into laughter. Director Guo’s joke had managed to warm up the atmosphere.
The guests teased Director Guo a bit more, but he didn’t show the slightest sign of displeasure. On the contrary, he seemed to grow even more excited.
Tang Yuexuan rubbed her arms. "Why do I get the feeling Director Guo is up to something?"
The most experienced of the group, Tong Jianfeng, scratched his head. "No way. After I signed on, I watched the past few seasons. It’s just about traveling with the kids and doing some tasks."
Zhong Siqi spoke up too. "I was on one season. It really is just traveling around with the kids. The hardest part was probably when they let the kids be in charge. You might get a little hungry, that’s all."
After giving the guests a moment to discuss, Director Guo smiled and cut in at the perfect time. "It looks like everyone has done their homework! And what you’ve all said is true. Our show used to be just that easy and fun! But!"
Director Guo was practically exploding with glee. "For this season... the rules have changed."
The guests: ???!!!
’Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth?!’
"Will all Big and Little Partners please hand your luggage over to the staff beside you. They’ll help you with a little inspection. Aside from your clothes, you can’t bring anything else, ’kay?"
"However, Teacher Zhong, who’s been on the show before, did get one thing right: the Little Partners are in charge. Therefore, the production team will give each Little Partner the chance to choose three items."
"Other than this one time, the production team will offer no further assistance to the guests for the entire journey. Please strive to survive! And complete your missions!"
"The ultimate mission: Survive until the very end, like a civilized human being!"
"Please choose your items quickly and proceed to your battlefield—Wuyin Ridge."
"Extreme Survival·Cute Baby Strike now officially begins!"
...
"Pick that one! That one!!!" Tang Yuexuan was dying to go up and choose for her little sister.
Director Guo warned, "Please do not interfere with the Little Partners’ choices! Otherwise, the opportunity to pick items will be revoked!"
Tang Yuexuan squeezed her eyes shut in agony.
Because Tang Yueying had chosen a tracksuit, a pair of sneakers, and one bottle of mineral water.
Each family had their own particular brand of suffering.
Zhong Siqi’s younger brother, Zhong Mingrui, in his infinite wisdom, chose a roll of toilet paper, a wallet, and a small packet of crackers.
Tong Jianfeng’s daughter, Tong Yunxin, was the oldest of the Little Partners.
Under her father’s hopeful gaze, she selected a teddy bear, a bright pink toy camera, and a pink thermos.
Her father’s heart died.
Ye Zuiyi quickly picked her items: a military-grade dagger, a windproof lighter, and a compass.
Ye Zexi looked at her with a doting smile.
But in the "Every Family Has Its Own Sufferings" sweepstakes, Gu Xulin was having the biggest breakdown of all.
"Gu Zhao!! What are you doing?! Put those down!!!" He was at his wit’s end.
"Gu Xulin, no hints!!" Director Guo immediately intervened. He grinned at Gu Zhao, his whole face crinkling with delight.
Gu Zhao was completely unfazed, clutching three novels to her chest.
They were novels she had spotted in Gu Xulin’s study; she figured they were the source material for some of his past projects.
Actually, Gu Zhao had wanted to just bring a phone, but she didn’t have one, and Gu Xulin’s was with his manager.
Between the two of them, they couldn’t even scrounge up a single phone.
[What is she going to do with three novels?! I can’t believe it. How did our poor Xulin end up with a sister like her!!! They’re both five years old, but Ye Zuiyi brought all useful things. AHHHHH, please, can someone give our boy a different sister!]
[Is Ye Zuiyi really five years old?! If it were me, I’d probably have grabbed a camera like Tong Yunxin.]
As if things weren’t chaotic enough, Director Guo decided to start interviewing the Little Partners.
"Little Partner Tang Yueying, why did you choose the clothes?"
The director’s private theory was that the child was a neat freak.
But that was exactly what he wanted. Controversy generated buzz.
"I didn’t think you guys would be nice enough to give my big sister a change of clothes. If she goes to the filming location dressed like this, she’ll be eaten alive by mosquitoes," Tang Yueying explained like a miniature adult.
Director Guo: ...
’Alright, you got me.’
Zhong Mingrui enthusiastically raised his hand. "Me, me, me! My turn!"
A four-year-old can’t hold anything in. Before the director could even ask, he blurted out, "My big brother likes to poop! And every time he poops, it takes a really long time, so I brought toilet paper for him!"
The little guy looked incredibly proud of himself, waiting for everyone to praise him.
"Zhong Mingrui, you little genius!" Zhong Siqi seethed through clenched teeth.
