Free Web NovelChapter 96: The Baconator And Chitpigling
Fate looked at the pig in the moat, then picked up a fish from the bucket and tossed it into the water.
Mary Jane looked at the fish, then at the former Void Beast, now turned pig, Primal.
Mary Jane could not decide what she wanted to eat first: the pig or the fish.
This caused Fate to ask Ruby, "Ruby, what comes first, the pig or the fish?" freewebnøvel.com
Ruby struck a thinking pose, then looked at Fate, saying, "Fate, obviously the pig came first. I mean, look at Mary Jane. She has clearly caused my toxic water to mutate into a new and unlimited source of money. I’m going to immediately look into opening up a series of restaurants. We will call them Baconators, the last place you will ever want to eat bacon with your enemies because you might just be eating your enemy."
Fate’s eyes lit up at the mention of a restaurant called Baconators. If he could eat at a place like that, he would have to have the vegan meal. As much as Fate loves food, the idea of eating his enemies does not appeal to him.
Fate nodded his head after this thought and said to Ruby, "No problem, Ruby. That’s why I leave the financial things to you to take care of. Why don’t we leave out the part about eating your enemies, though? Something tells me that would attract the wrong kind of customer base."
Fate said this as he looked at Mary Jane in a subtle way. Ruby nodded her head in understanding and said, "Fate, don’t worry. We can just offer a pig with an apple stuffed into its mouth so that people have a vegan solution. As for the ethical issues, we can just turn a bunch of the chickens around here into pigs. It does not need to be people. In fact, can you imagine the hype if I were to tell people about our new chicken pigs? Imagine it now, Fate: a pig made of greasy pork on the outside, but when you cut into it, you will find crunchy breaded chicken on the inside. It will revolutionize the food industry."
Fate suddenly jumped up from his seat and grabbed Ruby’s hand as he cried out, "Ruby, you are a genius! Not only have you created a new food sensation, you have also made history with the chitpigling. It’s just like the turducken, when someone cooks a duck inside of a turkey, except ours will be an actual pig meat on the outside and chicken meat on the inside. What could possibly go wrong with this plan? Who cares about biological warfare? Money is the cure to all problems, that and a well-equipped army of suicide pig warriors. We can send them to scout out ahead of your soldiers, and if they have to sacrifice a snout in my pursuit of a perfect chitpigling, then so be it."
At this moment, Mary Jane made up her mind. With a practiced motion, she produced a set of steak knives and began to float towards Primal for her next meal. She said out loud, "Come on, my beautiful body, don’t fail me now. Mama needs some pork cutlets for a mid-afternoon snack."
As if hearing her wish, a sudden breeze of wind pushed Mary Jane towards her soon-to-be meal.
Fate let go of Ruby’s hand and said to her, "Ruby, do you want to go double or nothing on whether Mary Jane is able to catch that pig?"
Ruby nodded her head and said, "Fate, you’re on. I think that the pig will win this race. After all, a metric ton can only float so fast."
They both watched as Mary Jane floated over to the pig. But the former Void Beast, now turned pig, suddenly sensed a great danger in the bacon sizzle force. This is the sense of danger that all pigs share when they sense that someone is after their juicy goodness.
Mary Jane slowly and quietly floated towards her meal as she quietly said, "Come here, Piggy Piggy Piggy!"
Then suddenly, the pig noticed the fat blob floating towards him, so he did what any sane pig would do in this situation: he grabbed the fish floating by him with his mouth and chucked it through the air right onto Mary Jane’s face.
Mary Jane expertly cut the fish apart, and as it landed back into the water, Fate and Ruby both saw that the fish had turned into breaded fish sticks. Fate looked at Ruby with a questioning look.
Ruby smiled and said to Fate, "Mary Jane Dawson is the saintess of The Church Of Divine Promises, and the goddess she serves, Valoria, loves food of all kinds. She is a real glutton, so it should not surprise you, Fate, that Mary Jane can magically turn things into strange and exotic foods."
Fate just shook his head in denial as he said, "No, Ruby, that actually does not make any sense at all, but whatever. It’s not like I care; the food you make me is always the best anyway."
Ruby smiled and cuddled with Fate, saying, "Fate, you’re damn right. My cooking is the best. I was taught by the greatest chefs that only fear and pain could buy."
Fate smiled and wisely chose not to comment on this statement. The less he knows about things, the less complicated his life will be.
Mary Jane was making steady progress on the pig. So to spice things up a little bit, Fate kicked the bucket of eggs and fish into the moat.
The pig, seeing all kinds of new weapons at his disposal, immediately used his snout to fling eggs at the giant blob in white.
The eggs came flying at Mary Jane, and she defensively opened up her mouth and swallowed them whole.
*Gulp*
*Gulp*
Then Mary Jane said with renewed vigor, "Ah, this is turning out to be a good day despite all of my setbacks and various beatings. All I have to do is catch my pig, and I’m going to have some ham hocks for my supper coming up soon." freēwēbnovel.com
Mary Jane was very hungry, so she started to pray a bit. Suddenly, Mary Jane started to pick up speed as she cried out, "Praise be to the goddess as we enter the hunt together."
Fate saw that the pig could not get away. Finally, Mary Jane’s knife made contact with his body.
When the knife dug into his body, the pig turned into a suckling pig, fully cooked, complete with an apple in its mouth.
Mary Jane pulled out the apple and tossed it away as she opened her mouth wider than any human in history and downed the pig in seconds. Then Mary Jane looked at Fate and asked him, "Fate, that was a good pig. Will there be seconds?"
Fate won his bet for the second time today, but for some reason, he could not take any joy in his victory. It felt kind of hollow for some reason, just like Mary Jane’s stomach.
So, feeling frustrated, Fate did what any man would do in this situation: throw a chair at something.
Picking up his chair, he threw it in a random direction.
*Bam*
*Crash*
"Ah, damn you, Fate Grimsever. I just ate. You can’t throw things at me like that. It’s rude."
Mary Jane kept complaining until a second chair flew at her, this one with a lot more force. Seeing this chair flying at her, Mary Jane yelled to the goddess, "Let’s get out of here, Vespera, before I take critical damage. What if I lose a tooth and can’t eat for a few days?"
I’m going to tone down some of the more extreme comedy like the toe gnomes they will make future appearances but I won’t go into to much detail this is a comedy book and I don’t want to gross anyone out.
As always if you enjoy my content please vote for it with power stones and golden tickets I’m still growing as an author so thanks for your support.
