Free Web NovelChapter 70: Pope Krispy Cleaner Pt. 1
Fate became a bit upset at the fact that assassins just had to strike when he was on a date with Ruby.
Ten men covered in black came out of the bushes of the woods. They had long curved blades in their hands that resembled sickles.
Looking at Fate and Ruby in front of them, the leader laughed and said, "Ha ha, no wonder our last two attempts failed to kill you, Duke Fate Grimsever. The church made the mistake of attacking you in your own territory. Now you are alone out in the wilderness with only one woman to protect you. His holiness Bishop Gary Oldman has had quite a few problems since you began to rob his church donations. Even his holiness Pope Bark Beetle of the holy kingdom of Xeon has felt the absence of the usual wealth sent from Valoria." frёewebnoѵel.ƈo๓
Fate interrupted this loser’s rant to clarify something. "Mr. Deadbeat assassin, are you telling me that the pope’s name is Bark Beetle? Does that mean he stinks if you crush him? Or is Bark Beetle like a cockroach, someone who will never die?"
The deadbeat assassin was dumbfounded by this question, but he answered honestly. "Honestly, since you’re about to die, I will tell you. The pope is like a stinky old cockroach. That guy will outlive everyone and then emerge from his hole to count his shiny gold coins just like the goddess. They say that goddess Valoria works in mysterious ways, but the truth is she is just a weirdo who likes to look at her own reflection, hoping that at some point she will appear more attractive. But even a god can’t fix ugly."
Fate suddenly sat down on a couch that appeared out of thin air, with a pair of bifocals on his face. Then Fate took out a notepad and quill pen to take notes as he said to the deadbeat assassin, "Okay, I’m starting to get a better picture of your feelings for your cockroach-like boss and a goddess that hopes to fix her bad looks with some sort of mystical god mumbo jumbo. But she is as stupid as she is ugly, so this will clearly not work."
The deadbeat assassin came to sit on a chair in front of Fate along with his nine other companions. The deadbeat assassin nodded his head as he said, "I know it’s all mumbo jumbo, but I’m just so upset at that old fart Pope Bark Beetle. Did you know that every time that man moves around, he farts with every step he takes? Some of us even took the time to give him the nickname Pope Krispy Cleaner because when he farts, he can even clean out a room full of cardinals in ten seconds or less."
Fate nodded his head as he took notes about the pope. One of the other assassins even took this moment to speak up. "Uncle Deadbeat is right. The pope is truly a Krispy Cleaner of a man. Why, he even farts in front of us, his loyal assassins. Because of him, we no longer even have a sense of smell. That is just not right. Krispy Cleaner should stop eating so many beans and burritos."
Deadbeat and the other assassins nodded their heads in agreement at this statement. Fate wrote this down as well. As a proper villain, it’s important to come up with creative ways to defeat his enemies, so he said, "I can see that it can be very difficult to deal with a boss like that. You all deserve a better working environment free of gastrointestinal pollution. Perhaps it’s not that you dislike your boss, but that you are dissatisfied with your professional careers in life."
The deadbeat assassin shook his head in denial, saying, "No, it’s definitely our boss. We are just very grossed out by him. In fact, do you know how Krispy Cleaner won the position of pope? He held the other cardinals hostage in a room as he crop-dusted them. He said that they could not leave until they made him the next pope. Several of our most prestigious cardinals were brain-damaged from this one incident. We even think he eats all of those tacos and burritos covered in beans to use as a weapon against his political enemies. Even the glorious and righteous King Samuel Bloodsworn is reluctant to get near Pope Bark Beetle, that stink bug of a man."
Even Fate was shocked by this revelation. The game Blissful Paradise never went into detail on how Pope Bark Beetle got his position. But it seems like this man is quite ruthless to himself and even more so to his enemies. The deadbeat assassin continued to talk to Fate, saying, "You know, our last boss was not this bad. But ever since Pope Bark Beetle took over, things have changed greatly. We lost the former saintess, and our new one is completely obedient to the pope’s will. But Mary Jane Dawson is a smart one. She always wears nose plugs when she is in the presence of the pope. That man even lets her get away with it because of how obedient she is. The old saintess never put up with the pope’s shit and greed for money. She always wanted that money to go towards healing and feeding the poor. But she is gone, and honestly, good riddance to that bitch anyways. The new saintess makes sure we get paid a lot and are even given bonuses. But the tradeoff of dealing with the pope is not worth it anymore."
After the deadbeat assassin said this, several of the other ten assassins broke into tears about how unfair life is just because you want to be a good guy and serve a righteous purpose. Fate nodded his head while Ruby handed out Kleenexes to these embarrassing excuses of men. Then Fate felt that the time was right, so he said to this deadbeat and his minions, "Why don’t you quit then? If you don’t want to suffer any more brain damage than you already have, perhaps you should simply leave this profession and go grow onions on a farm under the hot grueling sun. It may not pay as much, but if you want to set up a farm in my territory, I can give you several years’ worth of tax breaks. Besides, onions can be sold for a lot of money after you establish a good crop. If you ever see the pope again, your onion breath will be even more deadly to him than his wicked crop-dusting. You can fight fire with fire, but I advise against using any actual fire of any kind."
The eyes of these ten men all lit up at the idea of stinking out their old boss with their own version of stinky onion breath. And if they want to be even meaner, they could combine it with garlic and anchovies. They are assassins after all; if they want to get back at their boss, then some simple stinky breath will not do the trick. They will need to play dirty. The deadbeat assassin put on the pose of a thinker as he considered this option.
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