Free Web NovelChapter 59: Sir Moo-Rlboro Mike
Ruby walked up to the udderly depressed Kathy and said to her,
"Just so you know, Fate is fine, and the joke is on you. This is one of the best face-slapping events I have ever been part of. Now, smile and say cheese."
Kathy saw a certain magical stone in Ruby’s hand and cried,
"No, please don’t, Ruby! I’m rich now, don’t take my picture! Nooo!"
Then Kathy fled from the scene as fast as her feet could take her. At this point, the cow that had hit Kathy in the face walked over with its mouth stuffed with some premium hay.
The cow, while chewing the hay, said to Ruby,
"What’s that woman’s problem? She looks like someone who has never been udderly defeated by life before."
Ruby looked at the cow and said with an attitude of respect,
"Sir Moo-Rlboro Mike, thank you so much for helping me with this face slap. I’m so glad that you arrived so quickly after Sir Cut-n-Run sent out his call for the senior generation to come out and help our lord."
Sir Moo-Rlboro Mike, with a nonchalant attitude, responded to Ruby, saying,
"No problem, little Ruby. I can’t wait to join Sir Cut-n-Run in oppressing the gentry."
What Ruby thought was hay in Sir Moo-Rlboro Mike’s mouth turned out to be chewing tobacco as he casually spit his chew out into the moat of Shadow Spire Citadel.
"Ptui."
After the tobacco hit the water, several dozen of the thousands of carnivorous Carnival Fish floated to the surface dead.
Ruby was amazed because this old senior cow chewed the strongest tobacco Ruby had ever seen in her life. The water even began to boil around the tobacco as if it was some kind of highly toxic manly substance that only the most macho of men could enjoy.
Ruby discreetly used some Phoenix Fire to burn this manly substance up, and even this took several seconds, proving how potent it was.
Looking at Sir Moo-Rlboro Mike, she smiled in irony as he suddenly looked left and right with his eyes in a shifty manner. Seeing that the coast was clear, he pulled out a tin of chew with his hoof and threw a new wad of chewing tobacco into his mouth.
Ruby chose not to even ask where this cow senior kept his chewing tobacco, figuring that this macho cow had his secrets just like her husband, Fate. Although, to be honest, at this point, it’s impossible for Fate to keep any secrets from Ruby and Amara. Their devotion had grown to such a level that she even watched Fate while he slept.
When Fate slept, he had a tendency to have loose lips. So Ruby was quite surprised to find out that the world she lived in was just a game created by someone for their entertainment. freēwebnovel.com
Ruby was very upset learning this, but not as upset as when she learned about her husband’s mortal enemy in this life and the last. The reason he became a god was because of the demonic creature known as Truck-Kun and his flunky cousin Horse-Kun. These two are now the mortal enemies of Phoenix Rising.
So now Ruby pursued even higher realms of power in order to kill this creature. But Ruby and Amara did not get ahead of themselves. First, the small problems needed to be resolved. They had a long road ahead of them.
Standing with Sir Moo-Rlboro Mike as he was chewing his tobacco, Ruby smiled and said,
"Sir Moo-Rlboro, you came so suddenly and then volunteered to help me with my face slapping. Now you must want to help Sir Cut-n-Run with his tax collecting and oppressing the foreign nobility that are coming into Valoria. It has come to my attention that we have a few very wealthy individuals from the merchant nation of Hildegard who have been refusing to pay the entry tax for coming to Valoria. Not to mention the obscene taxes that I have imposed on them for buying property from the new realty division of Phoenix Rising."
*Chew*
*Chew*
Sir Moo-Rlboro responded to Ruby after she gave him a list of names to look at.
"Ha ha, no problem, little Ruby. I’m very skilled in the art of diplomacy. These men will be udderly devastated when they realize how much money they owe you. But more importantly, we need to make sure they bleed a bit for their assassination attempts on the Phoenix Lord. Sir Cut-n-Run filled me in on their udderly despicable attempts to take my new lord’s life. That is completely and udderly unacceptable."
Ruby nodded her head, not surprised at the intelligence gathering of this senior generation super moo soldier.
Sir Moo-Rlboro is the one and only product of the super moo soldier program. Created by King Edmund Bloodsworn in an attempt to create a soldier that would frighten even the most troublesome of children. After his success with Sir Moo-Rlboro Mike, King Edmund grew scared of this tobacco-chewing cow and his devastating milk puns, so all future research and development of the super moo soldier program was promptly banned and destroyed in fear of more awful pun cows being born.
Ruby looked closely at Sir Moo-Rlboro Mike and could not believe that this cow was over 75 years old. She wondered what kept this pun-slinging bovine alive. Seeing Ruby looking at him, Sir Moo-Rlboro said to her,
"Ruby, if you’re wondering how a dangerously handsome bovine like myself has lived so long, the answer is simple. I live to spread the teachings of my unique fighting style, Kung Moo Fu, and of course to sling a few more cow puns. As long as my puns never grow old, neither will I."
Ruby jumped in fright at how observant this cow was. With a look of bewilderment on her face, Ruby said to Sir Moo-Rlboro,
"I’m just amazed that you were able to hit Kathy so accurately. It is truly a gift being able to observe the art of the senior generation."
Ruby utilized one of her secret techniques: flattering this cow and changing the subject. freewebnøvel.com
Sir Moo-Rlboro laughed out loud.
"Ha ha, you’re right, Ruby Valentine. Not just anyone can master the art of ass-slapping like I have. It takes decades to refine this skill. I hope you don’t mind, but I took one of your cowapults for future use in my ass-slapping arts. This is one of the greatest inventions of the modern age. I can’t wait to launch myself into someone’s bedroom and scare the shit out of them. In fact, Sir Cut-n-Run may just join me in this venture when we go to visit those merchants in a few minutes’ time. Why, my dear Ruby, they won’t know what hit them."
Ruby looked over at her massive cowapults and was dumbfounded to see two of them missing. Ruby sized up this fat cow and could for the life of her not figure out where he put her cowapults.
Ruby just watched as Sir Moo-Rlboro walked off into the distance while his bushy tail was busy slapping people in the face who got in his way on the street. Ruby even saw Sir Moo-Rlboro pick a few pockets with that tail without anyone noticing. You would think a cow walking down the street chewing tobacco would attract more attention.
Ruby decided to leave well enough alone and go check in on Fate and Amara. She guessed that Fate might want to cosplay as a zombie and his frightened victim with Amara. The things she learned from Fate’s sleep talking were very informative.
