Free Web NovelChapter 103: The Past
Darkness surrounded me.
The cold feeling of sleep wrapped around my body while my consciousness drifted through memories I hadn’t thought about in years.
At first they were fragmented and distant, appearing only as vague images and emotions, but gradually they became clearer until I found myself standing within the halls of the Nightbane Manor from long ago.
My childhood.
A place I rarely liked revisiting one that I had spent years trying to forget.
I slowly walked through the silent halls while memories resurfaced one after another.
Before Leon.
Before I had true happiness.
Before I had someone that was truly mine.
Back then I was simply Lillith Nightbane.
The cursed child and a monster that had killed her own mother.
My mother had died bringing me into this world.
I didn’t even remember her face nor did I know of the warmth of her voice.
All I knew were the stories.
Stories told by servants who thought I wasn’t listening or by old retainers who spoke of her with sadness in their eyes and by people throughout the territory.
Everyone loved her.
The Duchess of Nightbane had apparently been everything I wasn’t.
Kind, gentle, paitent and caring
The type of person who could make anyone smile.
The type of person who remembered names no matter how insignificant the person was and who spent time with commoners despite her status.
She was loved by every single person within our territory and many outside it.
And then I was born.....
And she died.
Even if nobody openly blamed me for it, I could always feel it.
The stares and uncomfortable silence that appeared whenever I entered a room.
I could always feel it.
Their thoughts lingering in the back of their minds.
If she hadn’t been born...
The Duchess would still be alive.
I hated it.
Not because they were wrong.
But because I sometimes wondered the same thing.
Yet despite all of that, Papa loved me.
He truly did.
Even now I know that.
No matter how much we argued or when I got mad and screamed at him.
He loved me.
The problem was that he was also the Duke of Nightbane.
The ruler of the largest duchy in the kingdom.
A man responsible for millions of people.
After Mother’s death he no longer had anyone to share those burdens with.
Everything fell onto his shoulders.
Every report.
Every dispute.
Every military matter.
Every political issue.
Every crisis.
Every responsibility.
As a child I didn’t understand any of that, but I knew was that Papa was always busy.
Whenever I wanted to spend time with him, there was another meeting.
Whenever I wanted him to play with me, there was another report.
Whenever I wanted him to stay home, there was another problem somewhere in the duchy.
He always tried. freeweɓnovēl.coɱ
Looking back, I know he did.
But no matter how hard he tried, there was only one of him.
And eventually...
I found myself alone.
Very alone.
Then there was the second incident that had isolated me even more.
The one that happened when I was nearing the age of three.
I never retained the memory itself due to how young I was.
But I remembered the consequences.
Parents pulling their children away whenever I approached.
Servants becoming nervous whenever I wandered too close.
Children being forbidden from speaking to me.
People looking at me with fear after that.
Actual fear.
Not hatred or disgust like befor.
Fear.
As though I was something dangerous.
Something that should be avoided and that shouldn’t be approached.
For years I didn’t fully understand why as to me I had done nothing.
I only knew that nobody wanted their children near me.
Whenever I tried to play with others, they would leave.
Whenever I approached a group, conversations would stop.
Whenever I entered a room, people became tense.
It felt as though there was an invisible wall separating me from everyone else.
A wall I could never cross.
And eventually...
I stopped trying.
By the time I was old enough to truly understand loneliness, it had already become normal.
Entire weeks would pass where the only person I genuinely interacted with was Papa.
Even then it was usually brief.
A meal.
A conversation or lesson before he would leave again back to work.
Back to ruling.
Back to responsibilities.
Leaving me alone once more but some point I stopped caring or at least I told myself I did.
It was easier pretending not to care.
Easier pretending I didn’t need anyone.
Because wanting friends only led to disappointment for me.
Wanting affection and people to want me near them only led to disappointment.
So eventually I stopped wanting.
Or at least...
I tried to.
But there was one memory.
One secret.
A secret buried so deeply inside my mind that even now I hated thinking about it.
A secret known by only two people.
Papa.
And me.
Even now, years later, simply remembering it made my chest tighten.
The dream shifted.
The hallway around me began to distort.
The walls twisted as the lights dimmed.
And slowly...
I found myself approaching a door.
It was one that I hadn’t opened in many years as it was leading toward the memory I had spent so long trying to bury.
The memory that changed me giving me the world view that I now had.
The memory that even now remained hidden from almost everyone in the world.
As I stared at the door, a feeling of dread slowly spread through me.
Because I already knew what was waiting on the other side.
And part of me wished I could wake up before reaching it.
The memory I hated most wasn’t the one from when I was two years old.
That incident had certainly changed everything, but I couldn’t even remember it myself.
It existed only as stories, whispers and rumors.
Whenever I tried to think about it, all I could picture were fearful expressions and the way people seemed to instinctively keep their distance from me.
No.
The memory that truly haunted me came later.
It happened when I was around five years old.
By then I was old enough to understand and process things myself.
As I stood before the door in my dream, my hand slowly reached toward the handle.
For a moment I hesitated.
Then I opened it.
The world around me shifted instantly and the darkness vanished as I became that little girl once again.
******************
I quietly opened the door to my room and stepped into the hallway.
The corridors of Nightbane Manor stretched endlessly before me, decorated with expensive paintings, polished marble and elaborate ornaments that most nobles could only dream of owning.
Sunlight streamed through tall windows, bathing everything in a warm golden glow.
It should have felt comforting.
Instead it felt empty.
As I walked through the manor, servants noticed me approaching and immediately moved aside.
Their movements were polite, practiced and respectful, but I could still feel their eyes following me after I passed.
Some looked away the moment I noticed them.
Others didn’t.
Those were usually the worst.
Even at five years old, I had learned how to recognize certain expressions.
Pity.
Discomfort.
Disgust.
I lowered my head and kept walking.
Pretending not to notice was easier.
Breakfast was already prepared when I entered the dining hall.
The room was enormous.
A long table stretched through the center beneath glittering chandeliers while expensive decorations covered nearly every wall.
Everything around me reflected the wealth and power of House Nightbane.
Yet despite all of that luxury, the room felt strangely hollow.
Because I was the only person there. freewebnøvel.coɱ
I climbed into my chair and looked down at the meal waiting for me.
Fresh bread accompanied by fruit from distant regions and perfectly prepared meat.
The finest ingredients available within the duchy.
The chefs responsible for preparing these meals were renowned throughout the territory.
But none of that mattered.
As I ate, I felt absolutely nothing.
The food tasted good I knew it did but despite that, every bite felt dull.
The enormous empty table surrounding me drowned out any enjoyment I might have felt.
Sometimes Papa ate breakfast with me.
Those mornings were different as the food somehow tasted better when somebody sat across from me.
Unfortunately those moments where few and far between.
Another meeting.
Another report.
Another problem somewhere within the duchy that required his attention.
I understood why he wasn’t here but that didn’t stop me from wishing he was.
After breakfast I wandered through the manor without any destination in mind.
There wasn’t really anything else to do.
Nobody waited for me nor invited me anywhere.
Most days simply involved moving from one room to another until enough time passed.
Eventually I found myself standing beside one of the enormous windows overlooking the capital.
The city stretched out beneath me as far as I could see.
Thousands of buildings filled the landscape below while countless people moved through the streets beginning their day.
Merchants opened their shops, workers carried supplies through busy roads and carriages travelled between districts.
From this height everything seemed distant.
Small.
Almost unreal.
I watched quietly for several moments before my attention drifted toward a narrow street near the edge of my vision.
There, a group of children around my age were playing together.
Without realizing it, I stepped closer to the glass.
Then even closer.
My hands eventually rested against the window as I focused on them.
Even from this distance I could tell they were having fun.
They chased one another through the street, running between buildings while waving their arms excitedly.
One moment they were racing each other, the next they seemed to be arguing over something before immediately returning to laughter.
I couldn’t hear them.
I couldn’t clearly see their faces.
Yet I knew exactly what their expressions looked like.
Because children only only felt a couple emotions when they played like that, happiness, joy and so much more that I didn’t know.
My fingers pressed slightly harder against the glass.
I continued watching.
Minute after minute.
Watching them enjoy something that felt impossibly far away from me.
A strange ache slowly formed in my chest.
The kind that had become familiar long ago and appeared whenever I saw families together.
Whenever I saw children playing and I was reminded of everything I didn’t have.
For a long time I simply stood there staring down at the street below.
Then, without realizing it, my vision blurred slightly.
A single tear slipped down my cheek.
I didn’t wipe it away.
I just remained there in silence, separated from the world outside by a sheet of glass, watching other children live lives that I could only observe from afar.
I remained at the window long after most people would’ve left.
The children continued playing below while I simply stood there watching them through the glass.
Mostly they played games I couldn’t understand from this distance, sometimes they chased each other through the streets, and sometimes they simply sat together talking about things that were probably meaningless.
Yet I couldn’t stop watching.
Because despite how ordinary it all seemed, it was something I had never experienced myself.
Every now and then another tear would slip down my face.
I would wipe it away.
Then a little while later another would follow.
The strange part was that I wasn’t even crying loudly.
There was no sobbing.
No breakdown.
Just a quiet sadness that sat heavily in my chest as I watched people my own age have something that felt completely impossible for me.
Eventually the group began to disperse.
One child ran back toward a nearby house.
Another was called inside by what I assumed was their mother.
Soon the street that had been full of laughter and movement slowly emptied until nobody remained.
I continued staring at the now empty road for several more minutes.
Even though there was nothing left to see.
My reflection slowly became more visible against the glass.
A lonely little girl standing inside a giant palace.
Looking down at a life she couldn’t have.
A bitter smile appeared on my face as I found it slightly amusing.
People throughout the kingdom probably dreamed of living in Nightbane Manor.
The finest food cloths education and everything else a person could possibly need.
Servants waiting on every command.
A future where I would inherit one of the most powerful positions in the entire kingdom.
Yet if someone had offered me the chance to trade all of it...
I would’ve done it immediately.
Without hesitation.
Just to be down there.
Playing with those children.
Laughing with them.
Being loved.
Eventually I left the window behind.
The feeling in my chest remained, but staring at an empty street wasn’t going to change anything.
So I resumed doing what I usually did.
Wandering.
Days often felt like this.
One long stretch of empty time that needed to be endured until Papa came home.
Sometimes he would arrive early.
Most times he wouldn’t.
So I simply walked.
Through lounges libraries and sitting rooms that were almost never used.
Trying to make the day pass a little faster.
Eventually my wandering led me outside.
The gardens surrounding Nightbane Manor were enormous, stretching far beyond what most people would consider reasonable.
Beautiful pathways wound through carefully maintained flowerbeds while decorative trees and exotic plants filled every corner of the grounds.
Servants and gardeners usually worked closer to the main paths.
I preferred the quieter areas.
The places where nobody followed me with their eyes.
The places where nobody whispered after I passed.
So I kept walking deeper into the gardens until the sounds of the manor faded into the distance.
The further I went, the quieter everything became.
Eventually all I could hear was the wind moving through leaves overhead.
I slowly walked beside one of the stone walls that marked the edge of the estate while absentmindedly looking at the surrounding plants.
There wasn’t much else to do but then something caught my eye.
A small red ladybug resting on a leaf.
I stopped and crouched down besides it.
The tiny insect wandered across the plant completely unaware of my presence.
As I watched it, I noticed another tiny ladybug.
Then I blinked.
Because it wasn’t nearby.
It was resting on top of the first one.
I tilted my head slightly.
Even at five years old I vaguely understood what was happening.
The realization made something inside me ache.
A small laugh escaped my lips.
A sad one.
"Even bugs aren’t alone."
The words left my mouth before I could stop them.
I stared at the two insects.
Then at the flowers around them, then the birds resting in nearby trees and towards the squirrels occasionally running through the branches overhead.
Everything seemed to belong somewhere.
Everything seemed to have something.
Family.
Friends.
Companionship.
Something.
Meanwhile I had an entire duchy and somehow felt like I had less than all of them.
I lowered my eyes.
"Maybe I really am cursed..."
The thought slipped into my mind.
A thought I had entertained more than once.
If everyone hated me andnobody wanted me around.
Then perhaps there really was something wrong with me and maybe I deserved it.
Perhaps—
A sudden clatter interrupted my thoughts.
Several small stones bounced across the ground nearby.
My head immediately snapped upward.
For a brief moment I thought one of the gardeners had wandered into this section of the estate.
Instead—
I froze.
Because sitting on top of the stone wall separating the gardens from the outside world was a boy.
He looked around my age probably a little older although I couldn’t tell.
One of his legs dangled over the side of the wall while the other remained bent beneath him.
His clothes weren’t expensive.
His hair was messy.
And most surprisingly of all—
He was staring directly at me.
Not with the usual fear ir disgust most looked at me with.
Just...
Curiosity.
As though he had discovered something interesting.
For several seconds neither of us spoke.
We simply stared at one another.
