Free Web NovelChapter 212: Dumbass-Free Day
ELLA POV
There was peace. Actual, honest peace.
Jason and I were curled up on the couch, my feet on his lap, a half-empty bowl of popcorn between us, and one of those true crime documentaries playing low in the background. I wasn’t even listening. I was too busy soaking in the silence. My back didn’t hurt for once, my stomach wasn’t demanding anything exotic or deep-fried, and Jason was giving my feet a slow, lazy rub like the saint I married.
And then—of course.
The doorbell rang.
I cracked one eye open, sighed, and let my head flop back against the cushion. "Please tell me it’s the mailman."
Jason chuckled. "Unless the mailman now knocks with the rhythm of a badly choreographed boy band, I’d say no."
He got up to answer it while I threw a dramatic arm over my eyes.
The second I heard the unmistakable voices—two of them, way too cheery for this hour—I groaned.
"Oh, look who’s here," Jason said with a smirk. "Your emotional support buffoons."
Max and Dylan strutted into the living room like they owned the place, each holding two iced drinks and a brown bag that suspiciously smelled like pastries.
"No," I said flatly before they could speak. "Turn around. Go away. I have declared this a Dumbass-Free Day."
"Oh come on," Max whined, flopping onto the armchair. "We brought muffins."
"And matcha," Dylan added like it was a peace offering from a foreign nation.
"Matcha won’t save you." I squinted at them. "Didn’t I tell you people yesterday that I need rest? REST. That thing pregnant women do when they’re not being dragged around parks like oversized poodles?"
"But exercise is good for the baby," Max chirped. "Dylan read it somewhere."
"Oh, so now we trust the man who once thought YouTube could teach him how to deliver a baby?" I snapped. "Also, if you say the word ’labor’ one more time, I will go into it just to spite you."
Dylan held up his hands. "Look, all we’re saying is a little fresh air never killed anyone."
"Neither did minding your own business," I muttered, grabbing a muffin anyway. "What is this, banana nut?"
"Your favorite," Max grinned. "See? We bribe with love."
"Bribe being the operative word." I pointed at them accusingly. "You swindled me into waddling through a whole damn park yesterday with the promise of chocolate and fruit, only to leave me stranded like some bloated forest nymph. And now you’re back again like stray cats who think they live here."
Jason tried not to laugh and failed. "They mean well."
"No, they don’t," I said, glaring at the duo. "They’re chaos goblins in matching sneakers."
Max leaned forward, grinning. "But adorable chaos goblins."
I threw a cushion at him.
Max caught the cushion like he expected it—smirking as if he’d just blocked a punch in a Marvel movie. "You throw like a pregnant lady."
"I am a pregnant lady," I snapped. fгee𝑤ebɳoveɭ.cøm
"Exactly. Weaponized motherhood."
Dylan looked around dramatically. "Sooo... no walk today?" freeweɓnovel.cøm
I stared at him in silence for a beat too long, just blinking. "Do you have a death wish?"
Jason was trying really hard not to burst into laughter. His hand had conveniently covered his mouth, his shoulders shaking slightly.
Max reached for a muffin like this was all completely normal. "Okay, but hear us out. We brought snacks, we’re not pushing the walk today—we’re just here for emotional support and to hang out."
"Every day," I said dryly. "You hang out every day. Do you two not have jobs?"
"We do," Dylan said, deeply offended. "We just ignore them."
"Max even skipped a quarterly report meeting," Jason added helpfully.
"Because she said she was craving chocolate chip muffins!" Max gestured to me like I was some royal monarch demanding tributes. "I’m basically a knight!"
I narrowed my eyes. "If you’re a knight, I’m a dragon with hemorrhoids. Go away."
Jason let out an unfiltered snort.
Dylan plopped down on the armrest beside me and grinned like a child who knew he was about to get scolded but didn’t care. "We just like hanging out with you. You’re fun when you’re angry. Like a little volcano with stretch marks."
"Dylan," I said slowly, "I swear on the baby inside me, if you don’t stop talking, I will give birth just to chase you."
"Charming," he said, biting into a muffin. "So much maternal energy."
I leaned over and smacked him with another cushion, but Jason caught it mid-air.
"Alright, alright," Jason said through laughter. "Let the hormonal volcano simmer down."
"Hormonal volcano needs shrimp tacos," I muttered, slumping back into the couch. "And a nap. Possibly a foot rub from someone who didn’t drag me across a national park like an emotional support elephant."
Max raised a hand. "I did not drag. I merely encouraged. Gently."
"With trail mix and lies," I shot back. "You literally said, ’It’ll be fun!’ And then we ended up half a mile from civilization next to a duck that looked like it wanted to peck my ankles."
"It was a goose," Dylan corrected.
"I don’t care if it was a magical swan, Dylan. I was done."
Jason wiped tears from his eyes at this point, completely useless. "This is gold," he chuckled. "I should start recording these."
"No, you should start hiring better friends," I huffed. "Ones who don’t break into your house every day like overcaffeinated raccoons."
Max waved his muffin dramatically. "I live for this content."
"You will die for it too, if you don’t find a new hobby," I shot back. "Go... go take a painting class. Or do yoga. Something that doesn’t involve knocking on my door every morning like a deranged UPS delivery team."
Max leaned toward Dylan, stage-whispering, "Did she just tell us to touch grass?"
"She did," Dylan nodded solemnly. "And not in a cute way."
I groaned and shoved the muffin into my mouth to keep from launching the plate at them.
"You’re going to miss us once the baby’s here," Max sing-songed.
"Oh, honey," I said with a smile that definitely wasn’t friendly, "the baby’s your replacement."
Dylan stood dramatically and bowed. "Then we shall pass the torch with honor... and pickles."
Jason clapped his hands. "Okay, out. You’ve emotionally terrorized my wife for the day. Let her rest."
"Can I take a muffin for the road?" Max asked.
Jason threw a grape at his head.
"Take two and get out," I grumbled. "And don’t come back tomorrow."
"You said that yesterday," Dylan said cheerfully as they shuffled out.
"And I’ll say it again tomorrow," I called after them.
The door finally closed, and silence washed over the room.
Jason came back to the couch and dropped beside me. "You love them."
"I do," I muttered, stuffing more muffin into my mouth. "But they’re still dumb."
He kissed my temple, rubbing my ankle with lazy affection. "You’ll miss the dumb."
I leaned into him, closing my eyes. "Maybe. But only after I’ve had shrimp tacos, a nap, and possibly a spa day."
