Free Web NovelAs if following a predetermined routine, they went into the bathroom together, washed up, and came back out. After taking care of a simple dinner, they sat down in front of the TV. When Lee Kangjoo tried to head to the study, Haejun caught hold of him. This time, his excuse was that the movie channel was airing a film he had wanted to watch.
Lee Kangjoo readily sat down on the sofa. Haejun pressed close beside him, barely watching the movie at all. It was definitely one he had wanted to see, yet the dialogue and scenes refused to settle properly into his eyes.
The only thing filling his vision was Lee Kangjoo.
He couldn’t stare openly, so he took full advantage of the dimness in the room and stole as many sideways glances as he wanted. Lee Kangjoo, his gaze fixed on the screen, probably had no idea about this little theft.
Was it possible to miss someone even while sitting right beside them?
Desire was terrifying. It made you hope for things beyond your station, made you want what you shouldn’t. At first, money had been enough. Then at some point he started wanting his lips. After that, his embrace. He wanted their fingers intertwined, and despite not believing in God, he prayed. That smile—he wanted it to belong only to him.
Even now, Haejun’s whole body leaned completely toward Lee Kangjoo. Like a sunflower that chased only the sun. His lips tingled, and his stomach felt heavy from everything his heart had failed to spill out. Not yet. Don’t. If I confess for no reason, this peaceful state might shatter. He dug his nails hard into his palm over and over, forcing himself to endure.
Just then, in the movie, a man appeared holding a bouquet of flowers. Since it was a thriller, it was probably just one passing scene.
Even so, the timing was strangely perfect.
The man in the movie held out the bouquet to a woman. Instead of flowers, Haejun toyed with the green basil leaves resting on the table.
“It’s not a romance movie... Are you maybe bored?”
“It’s fine.”
“They’ve only known each other a few days, and he’s already confessing. Wouldn’t he get rejected if he did that?”
“Looks like she accepted.”
The woman took the bouquet and smiled brightly. Whatever the ending of the movie might be, for now it was a happy ending.
Without realizing it, Haejun plucked off one basil leaf. Like tearing paper into scraps, he slowly shredded the tender leaf into tiny pieces.
He knew it was only a story someone had made up, but Haejun envied that man so much it made his eyes sting. The fact that after only a few days he had captured the other person’s heart and become her lover—something that felt as though it would never be allowed to happen for him—made it worse.
Be a little greedier.
Lee Kangjoo’s faintly amused voice from some past moment echoed in his ears.
If there’s something you want, say it.
There was something he wanted now.
He wanted it desperately.
Hoping Lee Kangjoo would feel exactly the same way felt far too excessive, so he didn’t even dare dream that far. What Haejun wanted was something smaller but certain—a single fixed space in his heart. He didn’t even care how big it was. He just wanted there to be enough room inside Lee Kangjoo’s chest for one person: himself.
He wanted to build a nest in Lee Kangjoo’s arms.
He wanted to live there forever, without ever leaving.
He couldn’t hold it in anymore. He had swallowed and swallowed until there was nowhere left to store it. All that remained was for it to overflow.
“I’m jealous of that guy.”
Lee Kangjoo turned his head toward Haejun.
Haejun only shredded the innocent basil leaves down to flecks the size of sleep from one’s eyes. Even when green juice stained the tips of his nails, he didn’t stop. He wanted to calm his anxious, restless heart somehow, even if only like this.
Despite the effort, his heart pounded so loudly it made his ears ring.
“Why?”
“He succeeded in confessing.”
Lee Kangjoo tilted his head. He looked like he didn’t understand. As if asking what there was to envy about that.
Unable to meet his eyes, Haejun lowered his gaze. Heat rushed through him until his whole body felt feverish.
“I want to succeed too.”
“...Was there someone you liked?”
“Yes.”
“...Who?”
Haejun failed to notice the chill creeping into Lee Kangjoo’s voice. Too busy trying to steady the emotions surging right on the edge, his eyes stayed fixed only on the basil piling up like paper dust.
“...You, sir.”
His feelings were a heavy boulder, and Haejun’s voice was only a breeze.
The voice that couldn’t bear that weight trembled thinly.
“I like you, sir.”
“...”
“A lot. More than just liking... a little more than that...”
He couldn’t bring himself to say I love you.
Maybe that was why no matter how much he tried to add to it, expressions with fixed limits could never fully convey his heart.
Haejun lowered his head deeply.
He could say with certainty this was the most embarrassed moment of his life. Not even when he had stripped bare at Lee Kangjoo’s command without a single thread left on him, not even when he had done insane things like burying his face in someone else’s crotch in front of everyone just to earn money, had he wanted to crawl into a mouse hole this badly.
By now the movie had shifted from romance back into thriller. The man frantically searched for the woman who had vanished without leaving a trace. The pounding background music, beating like a heart, layered dread behind his back.
The last fragment of leaf fell onto the table.
Other than the dialogue from the movie, the room was as silent as death.
Something had gone wrong.
It felt like he had brought out something he never should have said.
“...So?”
Lee Kangjoo shattered the silence.
His face flickering in the light was horrifyingly expressionless. The slight crease in his brow clearly showed annoyance and irritation. As if the confession Haejun had finally blurted out after holding it in for so long was no more than a gnat that had wandered into his flowerpot.
Or as if Haejun, too, was simply becoming boring, no different from everyone else Lee Kangjoo had met until now.
This wasn’t the scene Haejun had imagined.
Even if he got rejected, he had at least thought he’d be told that the feelings weren’t mutual.
But for him to find even that bothersome—
Only then did Haejun finally face the possibility he had missed, blinded by his own emotions.
A confession didn’t always end in a rosy future.
Rejection—or severance—could be waiting at the end.
He had known that.
The moment he confessed, Lee Kangjoo might coldly cut off the relationship.
That was why, back when he still lived separately from Lee Kangjoo, Haejun had sworn he would never reveal these feelings even if it killed him. He had even boldly declared it to Yohan: he would never do something like confess.
But a person’s heart was more treacherous than reeds shifting direction with every gust of wind.
After moving into Lee Kangjoo’s house, his greed had risen without limit. From Lee Kangjoo’s endlessly gentle attitude came the hope that maybe—just maybe—he might accept his feelings.
And that was what blinded him.
That was the fatal mistake.
“Uh...”
He didn’t know what to say.
He had at least braced himself for a clean rejection, but he had no idea how to react to this kind of detached indifference.
Haejun rubbed both hands over his drained face. His mind refused to work. He only wanted to run from this place. If he could storm out of this house right now, it wouldn’t matter whether the other side of the door was a pitch-black river or a highway full of speeding cars.
“I think I told you this before.”
The voice he had always found sweet was terrifying tonight.
Like a whip lined with thorns.
Haejun squeezed his eyes shut. At that cold voice, a conversation he had once had with Lee Kangjoo resurfaced. For someone with the memory of a goldfish, why was it that things like this came back word for word?
Just because you like me doesn’t mean I’m obligated to like you back.
“It’s absolutely not that I want you to like me. I just... got carried away by the mood and said it without thinking. You don’t have to take it seriously... no, please just pretend it never happened.”
“Does spilled water disappear just because you say so?”
“...”
“I’m disappointed, Cha Haejun. You knew your place so well.”
Lee Kangjoo stood up from the sofa.
Haejun couldn’t lift his bowed head in the end. He was desperately holding back the tears threatening to spill over. The tip of his nose stung so badly it hurt.
“Or do you need more money?”
Lee Kangjoo tilted his head, offering another guess.
Haejun’s chest dropped.
The tears he had been pressing down finally burst, welling beneath his eyes. Their relationship had begun with money in the first place, so it wasn’t strange for him to misunderstand.
And yet hearing his place stated so clearly made his throat close up.
“Whatever it is, deal with it yourself. As long as you don’t force anything, you can stay here until your leg heals.”
“Force...?” ƒreewebηoveℓ.com
“It means don’t demand the same from me. I hate that.” freewebnσvel.cѳm
He wiped at his tears with the back of his hand. He didn’t want Lee Kangjoo to see him crying this pathetically.
Holding back the hitch in his breathing, Haejun stood too.
“I understand. I’m sorry for saying something pointless.”
No matter how much he wiped away the wetness, he couldn’t completely hide the reddened rims of his eyes. He turned his head sideways, avoiding Lee Kangjoo’s gaze.
“I’ll sleep in my room tonight. Good night.”
Since Lee Kangjoo had always carried him before, his crutches had long since been abandoned in the corner of his room.
Haejun limped across the living room.
Whether fortunate or unfortunate, Lee Kangjoo only silently watched him grow farther away.
He returned to his room and shut the door.
Because he had shared a room with Lee Kangjoo for so long, his own room felt cold. Still, Mrs. Jeong had tidied it, so the blanket on the empty bed was spread smooth and wrinkle-free.
Without even turning on the heat, Haejun crawled under the covers and pulled them over his head.
When there was no sound at all from outside the door, relief loosened something in him, and the tears he had barely managed to hold back finally poured down like heavy rain.
Dark spots slowly spread across the white pillowcase.
Telling himself he had hope but no expectations had only been self-deception.
He had desperately wanted Lee Kangjoo to smile, to accept him, so that he could stand proudly by his side.
He had wanted it without even realizing.
How enormous that greed had been.
He had dared to dream a dream he should never have held.
Haejun cried soundlessly.
