Free Web NovelHow can someone become this lovable?
Sometimes I’d suddenly wake up in the middle of the night because I missed Lee Kangjoo so much. The longing had no solution, so I rolled back and forth across the bed. I’d grab my phone because I wanted to hear his voice so badly, but I couldn’t bring myself to commit the rudeness of calling him that late at night, so I stayed awake until morning with my eyes wide open.
Why do I like him so much?
Why does it make me feel like I’m going insane?
Whenever our eyes met, my Adam’s apple would suddenly sting and a confession—I like you—would try to force its way out. /N_o_v_e_l_i_g_h_t/ Every moment I had to swallow those words back down, and it felt like my esophagus was swelling. Instead of fragmented food, I was trying to swallow a massive lump with no physical form, and it felt like even my organs were being crushed.
Lee Kangjoo knew exactly how to drive someone crazy. One moment he’d be cold, then the next he’d kiss me with burning heat. He’d push me away mercilessly, then suddenly open his arms and hold me gently. He’d build a wall and shove me back so I couldn’t come closer, only to casually show kindness that left me completely unsettled.
It was like swallowing fire and ice over and over again. Haejun couldn’t keep his head straight at all. At this rate, those uncontrollable feelings were bound to burn out of control and swallow him whole.
Telling Lee Kangjoo was out of the question, so in a hurry Haejun called Yohan instead. He knew Yohan would be annoyed. He knew he’d yell and call him a stupid bastard. But that was better. If he didn’t unload at least a little of this weight, it felt like he’d be crushed first.
They met in a university district packed with bars. It was Friday night, and the streets were overflowing with people when Haejun spotted Yohan. Wearing a black cap pulled low and a thick jacket, Yohan raised a hand the moment he saw him.
“You better pay properly for dragging a busy man out.”
Yohan approached with his chin lifted arrogantly. Apparently he’d even taken a precious day off because Haejun said he wanted to drink. Knowing that, Haejun bowed his head without protest.
“I’ll serve you with the utmost devotion!”
He bent at the waist and shouted energetically, which made Yohan snicker in satisfaction.
They chose a bar they’d been to once before. The food and drinks were relatively cheap. It was a little removed from the main nightlife street, but people who knew about it still sought it out.
“Three kimchi stews with rice! One rolled omelet and one spicy whelk salad too. And start us with three bottles of soju.”
Sure enough, the moment they sat down Yohan rattled off a string of orders. Haejun didn’t complain. He knew Yohan ate like a starving elephant. Besides, Haejun was the one who called him out tonight, and he had a lot to say. Even if Yohan ordered everything on the menu, he had no right to protest.
He felt like he wouldn’t be able to say a single word sober, so he started with the alcohol. Two bottles emptied in no time. Whether it was true he’d already eaten earlier, Yohan only finished two bowls of rice before switching to the side dishes.
“So. Why’d you call me.”
“I just wanted to see you.”
Maybe the alcohol still wasn’t enough. The feelings he’d been hiding so tightly refused to come out. Part of it was because he was watching Yohan’s reaction. His mouth itched to spill everything, but if he confessed honestly he’d probably get chewed out mercilessly. He needed more courage to endure that.
Haejun filled his empty glass with clear liquor and tossed it back in one gulp. The bitter, sweet burn slid down like water.
“And do we need a reason to see each other anyway?”
As he joked, Yohan stabbed a thick piece of omelet with his chopsticks and lifted his head. His eyes were sharp, like he’d already seen through the flimsy excuse.
“You’ve got something going on lately.”
“Well, that’s every day. Choi Manseok even sent me another string of insults by text the other day.”
“Not that bastard. Something else.”
You might fool a ghost, but you couldn’t fool Park Yohan. Haejun gave a bitter smile and rubbed his face with his empty hands.
“Is it that obvious?”
Yohan snorted.
“Quit playing twenty questions and spit it out already.”
“It’s nothing.”
“It sounds like a hell of something.”
He’d called Yohan because he wanted to tell someone, but somewhere along the way the mass of emotion inside him had grown even bigger, and it refused to come out.
Had he stomped it down too hard all this time?
Only after sharing another bottle did his tongue finally loosen. Haejun rested his chin on his hand, his eyes and cheeks flushed red. Otherwise he felt like he might slam his head straight into the tin table.
“I like someone.”
“Who?”
“......The CEO.”
Yohan immediately blurted out, “Fuck,” the moment Haejun barely managed to say it. Haejun had denied those feelings in front of him more than once before, so he couldn’t even complain about getting cursed out.
At the same time, he felt lucky he had someone he could confess this to. If he kept suffering through it alone, he probably would’ve suffocated to death.
“Why? Why do you like him? What the hell about that bastard is so great?”
“Because he treats me well?”
That wasn’t the only reason.
Lee Kangjoo’s scent, his body heat, the rough calluses on his fingertips, those thick knuckles that once only looked frightening, his lips, his jaw, his eyebrows, the way his eyes looked at me—those indifferent eyes that sometimes burned so hot—they’d all become addictive.
The sound of his voice calling my name. The way he’d agree so easily even when I asked him for something troublesome... The time we spent together stacked up like bricks, quietly building a solid castle before I even realized it.
“You know how many bastards like that I could bring you by the truckload? I could line up guys who’d flip a boat over for you with just one word.”
Even if he brought a thousand men, could any of them replace Lee Kangjoo?
No one else entered Haejun’s eyes anymore.
He couldn’t take other clients now. Just like before, his dick probably wouldn’t even react. Without Lee Kangjoo, he’d be nothing but a walking corpse.
“I told you, didn’t I? Don’t give your heart away. And if you do, give just a little and get out. Or at least get your body away from him!”
Just as expected, Yohan’s scolding burst out like a flood. Haejun simply hung his head low, hands wedged between his thighs, and listened to the bomb-like lecture.
“Did you think I said that for my own sake? I said it for you. Cha Haejun, this isn’t it. What’s wrong is wrong.”
“...Why?”
Haejun, who had been listening quietly, finally asked.
Yohan clearly heard him, but still replied, “What?”
“Am I not even allowed to have feelings?”
“What?”
“I didn’t try to like him. I didn’t make an effort to. One day I just realized it had become like this. What do you expect me to do?”
He’d come here prepared to endure any criticism, but as the scolding kept pouring down Haejun finally snapped.
“Like I wanted this.”
Not once had he ever wished for feelings like this. Why wouldn’t he know it meant suffering? Even if he wasn’t smart, he could at least calculate profit and loss.
He knew the feelings he had for Lee Kangjoo were a blade pointed straight back at himself. He knew they brought him nothing.
“......”
Haejun lifted his head and looked straight at Yohan. His eyes were clear even though he was drunk.
There were no tears.
They looked dry and rough, but Yohan could see the tears inside them. It was something only years of knowing each other could reveal—a tiny, nearly invisible crack through which he could glimpse what lay beyond Haejun’s wall.
“You... idiot.” freёwebnovel.com
Yohan had been about to unleash more, but instead he let out a heavy sigh that seemed to sink the floor itself and filled his empty glass with liquor.
He tried to cool the fury boiling inside him with the cold alcohol, but it only burned hotter, the liquor feeding the fire like oil.
“Why does it have to be him? At first you said you hated him because he smelled like blood. What, did he suddenly turn over a new leaf? Did he wash his hands clean? That man hasn’t changed at all, so why are you the only one who did?”
Lee Kangjoo and I had clearly spent the same time together, but the realities we faced were completely different.
He hadn’t changed at all. But Haejun’s tightly locked heart had collapsed in ruins. Lee Kangjoo flooded through the crumbling walls like a tidal wave, sweeping everything away.
At some point, even Haejun himself disappeared from that space, leaving only Lee Kangjoo behind.
“Or maybe it’s just sex attachment. I’ve heard that story a lot. They say if you keep fucking someone, feelings start showing up too. Isn’t that what this is for you?”
He’d thought about that too. Males were stupid creatures, after all. Maybe mixing bodies had just dragged his heart along with it.
Maybe that was it.
But it wasn’t.
Haejun felt like he could live the rest of his life holding Lee Kangjoo’s hand and still be happy. It wasn’t like he didn’t want kisses or embraces or sex.
But even without them, it would be fine.
As long as Lee Kangjoo stayed by his side.
“I don’t think that’s it.”
“You really like him?”
“Yeah.”
“...Don’t tell me you’re in love with him or something.”
Yohan asked in an uneasy voice, the desperate hope that the answer would be no clearly showing.
Instead of answering right away, Haejun downed the liquor swirling in his glass. He couldn’t tell whether the thing sloshing in his stomach was alcohol or the emotions he’d piled up because he could never tell Lee Kangjoo how he felt.
“Is there a difference between the two?”
“I don’t know. But they say when you’re in love, people go a little crazy. Is it that bad?”
Haejun fell into thought.
Just thinking about Lee Kangjoo made heat rise through his body. His heart pounded. His hands and feet twisted restlessly on their own. If Lee Kangjoo said something cold, the ground felt like it collapsed under him. If they kissed, every bit of resentment vanished in an instant and his mood soared into the sky.
Would anyone feel symptoms like that without going crazy?
“Guess so.”
Haejun’s mouth slowly fell open. His dazed eyes suddenly brightened.
“I guess it’s love. No... that must be it.”
The word like had always felt somehow lacking. It couldn’t contain the depth of what he felt.
Love was different.
Like finding the missing piece of a puzzle, he had finally discovered the word that fit his emotions perfectly.
