Free Web NovelIan occasionally wondered whether his “game-trained brain” had become overdeveloped. Maybe it activated at inappropriate times.
But apparently, that wasn’t the issue.
Judging by this elf’s romance-addled brain, the real problem was obvious.
“Who said I’m especially close with anyone?!”
“Huh? Oh, no need to be embarrassed. I already saw—and heard—everything. The two of you lovingly embracing the moment the battle ended, stripping each other’s clothes off...”
“Shut up! What are you even talking about?! None of that happened!”
Ian desperately resisted this outside attempt to dismantle his carefully maintained self-brainwashing.
Nothing had happened between him and Keith.
Absolutely nothing.
“Oh? But even before we headed to the tower, from the room beside yours—”
“How good is your hearing?! And why were you listening in?! Don’t you have any manners? Isn’t basic etiquette pretending not to notice what people do behind closed doors? You lecture everyone about manners every chance you get!”
The elf immediately flared up.
“What?! You dragged me into stalking the mansion owner’s footsteps together, and now suddenly I’m the rude one?!”
“That was because there was a burglar!”
“Have you never heard of the presumption of innocence?! Human legal systems are barbaric! Until someone’s proven guilty, you’re not supposed to treat them like criminals!”
“Hey! Is insulting the entire human justice system part of your ‘manners’ too?”
“And while we’re at it, you’re the one who harassed me when we first met!”
Harassed?
‘...Oh. The ear thing.’
“Are you seriously bringing up something from hundreds of years ago?!”
“A human who wasn’t even alive a hundred years ago dares argue with an elf centuries older than him?!”
“Don’t throw your age around just because you want to win an argument against a newborn human!”
“......!”
The elf, who desperately wanted to be treated like a mature adult yet crumbled whenever age was mentioned, stared at Ian in visible shock.
Ignoring him, Ian decisively extended his self-brainwashing campaign to include the elf as well.
“Keith and I are not in that kind of relationship. Nothing happened between us. Understood?”
“We’re not talking about lovers? Then what exactly are you?”
The elf looked genuinely baffled, like someone completely disconnected from modern social norms.
Just how degenerate did he think humanity had become during his absence?
“We’re exactly what we look like.”
“A couple who kisses every time they’re alone together?”
“No! That’s purification! You completely misunderstood! What we’re doing isn’t what it looks like on the surface!”
Ian immediately tangled himself in his own explanation.
“...Didn’t you just say it was exactly what it looked like?”
“I meant you need to look deeper than appearances.”
“...Inside your mouths?”
The elf’s eyes widened dramatically.
“Not that kind of deeper!”
Ian felt like his face might explode from sheer frustration.
What was wrong with this lunatic elf? Had he been possessed by the ghost of someone who died from romantic starvation?
The elf, meanwhile, looked equally exasperated. Clutching his chest theatrically, he groaned.
“Ugh, what are you even trying to say? Calm down and explain properly. Let’s organize the facts first.”
“Fine. Go ahead.”
Ian forced himself to calm down.
Why was his heart pounding and his face heating up over something so ridiculous?
The elf began gesturing grandly through the air.
“My first regular customer is famous for being a shameless flirt. I could tell from the moment we met. His hands wander everywhere. Still, because I’m generous toward young humans, I graciously overlooked it.”
“What part of that was factual? Do you even know what a fact is?”
“Was anything I said incorrect?”
The elf looked sincerely bewildered.
Ian almost pointed out that literally every single statement had been wrong, but stopped himself.
After all, Ian did have a reputation as a flirt. He had also touched the elf’s ear. And somehow, absurdly enough, it was true that the elf had forgiven him for it.
Did that somehow qualify as factual?
Ian honestly didn’t know anymore.
“Anyway,” the elf continued, “when I met my regular customer again, he’d already become close to my second regular customer. The two of them even went on a cruise together. At the time, they were already engaging in the sort of intimate behavior lovers normally do, but out of politeness, I chose not to comment. I pretended not to notice because I assumed there might be circumstances I didn’t understand. But then after the battle with Kyarakus ended, there they were again! As a long-lived elf, I didn’t want to interfere in modern human dating culture, but then the merfolk came running over to tell me they were doing something scandalous! I even protected their dignity! And then the moment they arrived at the desert village, the two of them—” freewebnovel.cσ๓
“I get it! Enough!”
Ian refused to hear another word.
“Fine. Let me explain the actual facts. Everything you saw was part of a sacred ritual. It’s not what you think.”
A profound sense of relief washed over him.
Good. Misunderstanding cleared up.
Unfortunately, the elf’s expression only grew more suspicious.
“So having sex with him purifies the curse?”
“No! We’ve never done anything like that!”
This time Ian answered with complete confidence.
His face didn’t even redden.
The elf slowly covered his mouth.
“...I saw something similar once, about a hundred years ago.”
“What now?”
“A cult claiming people could commune with God by sleeping with the cult leader...”
“Who exactly is supposed to be the cult leader here?!”
“Ah!”
Unable to endure it any longer, Ian kicked the elf.
The elf rubbed his backside resentfully.
“Still, Sir Keith doesn’t seem gullible enough to fall for a cult. He might ruin himself in other ways, but probably not that way. I’m very good at judging people, you know.”
‘Judging people?’
Ian recalled the elf’s endless stream of bizarre behavior.
At this point, it felt less like interacting with a person and more like unlocking hidden achievement badges for absurd events.
“So the real issue lies with my first regular customer! Still unable to abandon his flirtatious habits, hm? If you want to become a hero, you can’t behave like that! The phrase ‘heroic philanderer’ was invented by mediocre people who let lust override judgment!”
Now the elf looked genuinely worried for Ian’s future.
Ian had absolutely no intention of becoming a hero.
Still, he also realized arguing endlessly with this elf wasn’t helping his objectives.
Wouldn’t it be smarter to gain his favor instead?
‘So he admires heroic behavior?’
Maybe he wasn’t actually a chaos-aligned disaster after all.
Confused, Ian decided to humor him.
“You’re right. If someone’s serious about love, they should commit to one person.”
“Exactly! A person should gather all their strength for the one they truly love. Imagine a hero declaring, ‘I fight for my beloved Rosalyn, Hans, Peter, and everyone else.’ Doesn’t that sound pathetic? Even the gods wouldn’t bless something like that!”
“Aren’t you an atheist?”
Ian couldn’t help pointing it out.
This was the same elf who constantly said things like “God is just a convenient excuse.”
“I’m not!”
“You’re not?”
The sheer seriousness in the elf’s expression genuinely surprised Ian.
“I believe ➤ NоvеⅠight ➤ (Read more on our source) in God. God just happens to hate me.”
“......?”
“Why would God hate you?”
“That’s... ah. I nearly told you. I’ll explain someday if the opportunity comes.”
“......?”
Ian was becoming increasingly irritated by this elf’s habit of speaking in cryptic fragments.
The elf coughed awkwardly.
“Ahem. Anyway. My first regular customer is no longer a shameless flirt, has abandoned his playboy lifestyle, and intends to devote himself sincerely to one person? Excellent. As for the relationship with the second regular customer... I still don’t fully understand it, but if it’s sacred, then fine. I’ll accept it.”
“Yeah. Sure. Keep believing that.”
Somehow, Ian had successfully convinced the elf regarding his relationship with Keith.
But why exactly had he needed to convince him in the first place?
‘What a colossal waste of time.’
At that exact moment, a status window appeared.
Ding!
[Dorian(?)’s Affinity: 55%]
“......?”
“So all those times you kept flirting with me were actually sincere courtship attempts?!”
The elf exclaimed as though he’d suddenly uncovered the ultimate truth of the universe.
‘When did I ever flirt with you?’
Before Ian could even react, another status window popped up.
Ding!
[Dorian(?)’s Affinity: 60%]
“......?!”
What exactly were these developers trying to create?
A dating simulator?
Ian genuinely couldn’t envision a successful future for a game that combined dungeon defense, demon lord hunting, and romance simulation mechanics.
Had the entire development team collectively lost their minds?
Wasn’t there even one employee brave enough to say, “Maybe this is a terrible idea”?
And if the game failed, what was Ian supposed to do with all his free time?
As idiotic as he considered the developers, he still didn’t actually want the company to go bankrupt.
Unfortunately, now wasn’t exactly the time to send them a strongly worded email beginning with:
“I’m only saying this for your own good...”
So instead, Ian sighed and moved on.
“This way.”
“Alright.”
Despite navigating perfectly fine in total darkness until now, the elf suddenly spoke up.
“Hey. Mind if I hold onto your clothes while we walk?”
“......?”
“I might accidentally get lost.”
“Do whatever you want.”
The elf lightly grabbed the edge of Ian’s cloak and followed close behind.
Ian could feel the faint tugging weight, which might become irritating later if he needed to draw his bow quickly.
For a moment, he considered forcing the elf to walk ahead instead.
‘No. That’d be excessive.’
He already knew the path well enough to walk it blindfolded.
The elf’s constant chatter gradually faded into background noise.
“Alright then. If neither age nor race can interfere with my first regular customer’s feelings, I suppose I should take this more seriously too.”
The elf smiled brightly, looking sincerely delighted.
Why?
Because the human he’d chosen as his “regular customer”—his potential hero—hadn’t disappointed him.
A hero maintaining a harem or drowning in frivolous romance wouldn’t suit the aesthetics preferred by the gods of this world. Gods were surprisingly picky beings with extremely specific tastes.
Even if Ian himself seemed oblivious to such things, the elf—who had practically memorized every human scripture until the pages wore thin—understood it perfectly well.
Ian behaved exactly like a hero should.
He threw himself into danger without hesitation to save others.
He remained calm even in absolute darkness.
Even separated from trusted companions, he never wavered.
Quick-thinking, adaptable, and composed under pressure, Ian possessed every quality expected of a hero.
The elf could even overlook the deeply confusing misunderstandings involving Keith that had briefly left him questioning reality.
Because heroes were meant to grow through hardship.
And Ian, despite everything, was navigating those trials remarkably well.
But what about his second regular customer?
This was the first time in the elf’s life he’d ever had two “regulars” simultaneously.
Just imagining what might happen next made his heart race with anticipation.
