Free Web NovelChapter 31: Tactical Thick Thighs and System Slander
After the system went into standby mode, Yuki went back to checking on his sweet treats. Thick or fat, whichever he was, he was still going to eat his sweets and relax—otherwise, he might try to punch the system right in its nonexistent mean face.
After a while, the savory, buttery scent of roasting sugar-crust tarts and caramelized shadow-berries filled the cave. Yuki practically floated across the stone floor, his slender tail swaying behind him like a happy cat.
With a pair of magically insulated cloth mitts he’d tailored himself, he pulled a stone tray out of the makeshift portable earthen oven. The treats were perfectly golden, bubbling with sweet, sticky syrup.
"Perfect," Yuki murmured, licking his lips, just about ready to devour them all.
He didn’t waste a single second. Ignoring the fact that they were scalding hot, he popped one of the caramelized berries into his mouth. His eight-inch tongue darted out to catch a stray drip of syrup from his lip, a soft, content sigh escaping his throat as the rich, sweet flavors exploded across his tongue. He swallowed, already reaching for a second one, completely at peace with the world.
DING.
The sudden, high-pitched chime of the system interface shattered the silence. Yuki’s moment of happiness went straight into the ground.
"OH... Great this thing."
The familiar, glowing blue holographic screen materialized directly in front of his face, its text scrolling across the neon display with cold, clinical precision.
Yuki rolled his eyes and turned away from the display
[ Notice: Host’s lower-body mass distribution has exceeded optimal combat parameters. Current thigh and waist measurements suggest a 12% increase in sedentary lifestyle habits. The System highly recommends less campfire snacking and more cardio. ]
Yuki froze mid-chew. The half-eaten shadow-berry sat on his tongue as his entire body turned rigid, his eye twitching slightly. He stopped what he was doing, turned around slowly, and stared directly into the floating blue holographic screen with narrowed, glowing emerald eyes.
He swallowed the berry with a hard gulp, his voice dropping low. "Are you... are you calling me fat?" Yuki demanded.
[ Negative. The System is merely generating an objective anatomical assessment. ]
"Objective my butt! I’m a pureblood twink! I exercise every single day!" Yuki snapped, slapping his flat chest with a flour-dusted hand. "I am built for high-tier agility! I don’t even have wide thighs or a soft waist!"
[ Query: Would the Host care to review the volumetric data? The spatial grid does not lie. ]
"There is no data to review because it’s a lie!" Yuki huffed, crossing his arms over his oversized, chunky-knit wool sweater—a cozy garment he’d painstakingly crafted to hide from the mountain’s biting cold. He did it because it was comfy and looked cute on him. "I am the pinnacle of a delicate, aerodynamic vampire lord. I am practically weightless! I’m not fat, thick, curvy, chunky, nor a femboy!"
The system’s response this time wasn’t just a snarky text from its database, since he didn’t think it had a personality anyway.
From the bottom edge of the holographic screen, a small, growing cluster of blue light condensed, twisting and elongating into a translucent, digital tentacle. Before Yuki could even understand what the hell his system was doing or use his agility to dodge, the hard-light appendage darted forward with lightning speed.
Snatch.
The digital tentacle hooked securely into the hem of his oversized sweater and yanked it upward.
"Hey! Let go of the merchandise before you rip it!" Yuki cried, stumbling back.
But the system held fast, pinning the heavy wool up against his ribs and completely exposing his lower torso. The harsh, neon-blue light of the UI projected a grid map directly over his skin, highlighting the soft, sweeping curve of his waist and the undeniable, plush fullness of his upper thighs. Without the baggy sweater to camouflage him, his hourglass silhouette was on full display, soft, distinctly curved, and thoroughly well-fed on premium homemade food.
The digital tentacle even gave a tiny, mocking poke to the side of his hip, causing the skin to yield with a distinctly squishy, unathletic softness.
[ Analysis: Host has allocated zero points into muscular definition. Current soft-tissue density indicates a highly concentrated accumulation of sugars in the gluteal and femoral regions. In colloquial terms: The cake is a lie, but the thighs are a fact. ]
Yuki’s face flushed a brilliant, burning crimson that rivaled his natural vampire traits. He scrambled to swat the hard-light tentacle away, pulling his sweater back down to cover himself as he glared daggers at the screen.
"That—that’s just blood storage! Purebloods store excess mana in their lower bodies for... for tactical weight distribution!" Yuki stammered, desperately trying to sound authoritative while hyperventilating from sheer embarrassment. "It’s a racial trait! It’s not fat, it’s a defense mechanism!"
[ Notice: The System has updated Host’s hidden title. New Title Available: [Tactically Thick]. Buffs: +5% Charisma to specific demographics, -2% Aerodynamic Efficiency. ]
"Change it back!" Yuki shrieked, throwing a stone plate directly through the holographic screen. "Change it back right now, you digital bully!"
[ Why? ] the System stated casually. [ It fits you well. ]
"No, it doesn’t!"
[ Just admit that you are fat. And you and I both know that it is not a racial trait. You know nearly nothing about pureblood vampires, ] the System said mockingly.
[ Fat ass. ]
"I’m not fat?!" Yuki screamed angrily at the digital display.
[ Look at how you were before, when you first arrived in this world, and look at you now. ]
"It is a natural thing my body does, okay! I get thicker in the thighs and waist, I know that!" Yuki snapped, throwing his hands up. "There, you happy?"
[ Very. ^_^ . It is healthy to see you admit to what you are. You are a chunky, fat ass femboy. ]
"..."
[ Oh, also, I knew that it was natural this entire time... I am your system, after all. All your physical and mental health issues are recorded. While I currently do not have access to your past info or memory,---- unless the core system gives it to me-- I know a lot about you. ]
"Y-y-y-you mother fu—"
