Free Web NovelChapter 162: Chapter 161 - If Not ?
The first acceptance letter came on a Tuesday morning.
It was addressed to Aoi.
She tore open the envelope at lunch with the same serene expression as any other.
"I got in."
It was said without fanfare.
Without shouting.
Without tears.
Three short words.
An uncomfortable silence fell over the table.
Then Akari grabbed her shoulders.
"THAT’S IT?!"
Aoi blinked.
"...Shouldn’t I be screaming or crying or doing something?"
"I don’t know! Anything but that!"
"I am happy."
"You don’t look happy!"
"This is what I look like when I’m happy."
Akari looked at her.
"...That’s a little depressing."
"I can assure you that I have been scientifically proven to be able to express happiness."
"I highly doubt that."
"I can."
The table exploded in laughter.
Even Aoi could not suppress the slight twitch of her lips.
---
"Congratulations."
Said Kuro with sincerity.
Aoi nodded.
"Thank you."
"Cognitive science and behavioral research."
Rika made a low whistle.
"That’s a ridiculous degree."
"It is."
"You sound excited about it."
"I am."
"Got it."
Akari held up her finger triumphantly.
"Emotion detected."
"I never said anything about not feeling emotions."
"You hide them suspiciously well."
---
The mood remained light all throughout lunchtime.
Mina rambled about upcoming entrance interviews.
Yui was already preparing to begin her internship at the university hospital, since she passed the licensing exam.
Rika proudly showed sketches that she intended to submit to the manga contest next year.
Even Akari admitted she finally chose universities to apply to.
All of them had their futures figured out.
Except for Kuro.
---
In the afternoon, Kuro quietly listened as everyone spoke about university admissions.
"I got accepted!"
"My interview went pretty well."
"They even offered me a scholarship."
The atmosphere was charged with excitement.
Dreams long deferred were within reach now.
Kuro smiled as he listened.
He was honestly happy for them.
But deep down...
A quiet question echoed.
Where do I want to go?
---
Later on after school, all of them assembled under the old tree in the courtyard.
This tradition started months ago.
Anything important – they went to the tree to discuss it.
Unsurprisingly, today was about university admissions.
Rika flashed a proud grin as she showed an envelope.
"Creative Arts!"
"They accepted me!"
Akari cheered loudly.
"I knew it!"
"I applied with my manga portfolio."
"And...?"
"They call it ’emotionally reckless.’"
Akari laughed.
"That’s the most flattering thing anyone said about your chaotic approach."
"It’s a compliment."
"It sure is."
---
Mina shyly took out her acceptance letter.
"I got into the education program."
Immediately, Akari hugged her.
"I told you, you will make a fantastic teacher!"
Mina giggled.
"Hope so."
"I don’t."
Everyone turned to look at Akari.
"I just know you will."
Mina blushed crimson.
---
Yui silently placed her acceptance papers onto the table.
"They officially assign me to the university hospital."
With a wide grin, Rika remarked.
"So, we have another doctor in the group!"
Yui smiled sweetly.
"It still seems unreal."
Kuro looked at her.
"You deserve it."
She looked into his eyes.
"Thank you."
Those words contained much more meaning.
Kuro remembered everything that went into her achievement.
---
However, soon the topic changed.
Simultaneously...
Everybody turned to look at Kuro.
Akari cocked her head to the side.
"What about you?"
"Hmm?"
"You applications."
"Going smoothly?"
Kuro looked away awkwardly.
"They’re..."
"...still in progress." free𝑤ebnovel.com
This was partially true.
But the whole truth was a lot more simple.
His application was not yet complete.
---
That evening, Kuro came home early.
His table was littered with university pamphlets.
Application forms.
Information on scholarships.
Brosures on programs for psychology from various universities around the country.
Kuro had studied everything thoroughly.
Clinical psychology.
Counseling psychology.
Developmental psychology.
Behavioral sciences.
He was familiar with all of it.
He knew all the specifics.
He even knew which professors specialized in the fields he was interested in.
Yet...
He still left one blank field on his application form untouched.
Personal Statement.
Why do you believe you are fit for this field?
Kuro re-read that sentence.
Over and over again.
His fingers hovered above the keyboard.
But did not move.
Instead...
Another thought came to mind.
What if I’m not?
He recalled the counseling center.
His first mistake.
Conversations he relived each time he returned home.
Mr. Takeda’s encouraging smile.
Confused faces of the university students he helped.
Haruka’s lessons.
And Minami’s constant support.
Had he actually learned enough?
Or everyone just wanted to help?
Kuro reclined on his chair.
The room became silent suddenly.
For months, he tried to find his dream.
Having finally chosen a path...
He suddenly wondered if he was worthy to pursue it.
Looking out the window, he watched the darkening sky.
Slowly, light of lamps in neighboring houses lit up.
People moving forward.
Lives continuing.
Realizing dreams.
Kuro closed his laptop.
For the first time in weeks...
He felt uncertain.
And this time...
Uncertainty terrified him more than not knowing where to go.
He closed his laptop.
Silence filled the room.
An incomplete application stared back at him from the screen. The blinking cursor seemed mocking in its own way.
Why do you believe you are suited for this profession?
He knew no answer.
Perhaps he had been asking himself that question the whole time.
He wanted to help people.
To listen to them.
To be the sort of psychologist who made others feel less lonely.
Wanting something was not the same as being able to accomplish it, however.
Kuro pressed his forehead against the wood of the table.
"...What if everyone is wrong?"
---
Next morning, he arrived at school earlier than usual.
Empty classrooms greeted him along with the silence of the hallways. Only a handful of students were scattered among the campus.
He seated himself under the same old tree.
Usually, a morning breeze was quite useful in clearing his thoughts. Today, it was not.
He heard footsteps coming closer.
"You’re early today."
Kuro glanced up at the newcomer.
It was Yui.
In her hand, she held two cans of coffee.
She said nothing but placed one in front of him without even asking.
"Thanks."
"Here," she said and sat down besides him.
Neither of them uttered a word for several moments.
Finally, Yui smiled brightly.
"I recognize that look."
Kuro chuckled lightly.
"Do you?"
"In my reflection."
---
"Why?" he asked.
"The week before my medical exam."
Her hands fiddled with the unopened can.
"I was sure..."
"’What if everyone believes in me as a doctor when I don’t believe in myself?’"
Kuro remembered those exact words.
Months ago, she had asked herself a similar question after being on the brink of losing confidence in herself.
"I thought..."
"...that maybe I wasn’t that genius everyone remembered."
Yui giggled softly.
"Funny, huh?"
"I’ve passed."
"I’m a doctor."
"And sometimes..."
"...I feel like I’ve been fooling everyone."
Kuro opened his eyes in surprise.
"But... you?"
"Yes."
"Confidence comes instantly after success?"
"Not always..."
"Somehow..."
"...much later."
---
The first bell resounded in the distance.
Students rushed into the courtyard.
Nonetheless, the two remained sitting under the tree.
"Kuro."
Yui leaned slightly towards him, her voice whispering.
"After my exam..."
"Have you ever thought..."
"...that I’m not worthy of the diploma I have?"
Kuro answered instantly.
"No, never."
She smiled in gratitude.
"Then why are you treating yourself differently?"
That question came unexpectedly.
"I..."
"You’ve worked hard."
"You’ve learned."
"You’ve confessed."
"You’ve grown."
Yui fixed her gaze on him.
"If there was any other volunteer..."
"Who did the same things as you..."
"...would you tell them that they didn’t deserve it?"
"No."
"And why are you telling yourself that?"
There was no answer to that question, since he didn’t have one.
---
School day passed in a haze.
Those words lingered in his mind.
At the end of the classes, the counselor put a stack of acceptance letters on the teacher’s desk.
One student after another left the room after receiving their letter.
There was cheering.
There was applause.
There were congratulations.
Each letter sent out a wave of enthusiasm in the crowded classroom.
Kuro cheered heartily for each of his classmates.
Every time – he was genuine.
But every time – it served as a reminder that his own destiny hanged upon an unfinished application.
---
After the school, the usual meeting of the group followed.
Akari stretched in her chair.
"Well," she announced, "if we all leave for different universities..."
"We’ll meet every month anyway."
Rika lifted her hand.
"Motion passed."
Mina nodded energetically.
"Aye."
"Based on the probabilities..." Aoi adjusted her glasses, "Akari will barely manage to organize the meetings."
"Hey!"
"Just being sentimental."
Yui chuckled.
"I’ll send reminders."
"Done."
Aoi nodded again.
"Mission accomplished."
The group broke into laughter.
Kuro smiled warmly.
Then he looked around and saw how much they all had changed.
How each one had found a goal they could work for.
Somehow...
By doing that...
They’d made him find his purpose in life too.
---
The sun began setting when everyone decided to go back home.
Kuro stayed behind for a little while.
Alone, the courtyard emptied fast.
He took out the university application from his bag.
His eyes were focused on the same old question.
Why do you believe you are suited for this profession?
This time...
He didn’t bother looking for the best possible answer.
Instead, he looked at faces of people he knew well.
Mr. Takeda.
The little boy from the library.
Yui.
His friends.
Minami.
Haruka.
Everything they told him...
All of the mistakes he had committed...
All lessons he’d received from those conversations...
His fingers moved across the keyboard slowly.
He hadn’t overcome all of his doubts, which still plagued him.
However, he suddenly realized something.
Psychologists weren’t perfect people.
They were simply people ready to learn.
Kuro smiled inwardly.
For the second day in a row...
He didn’t feel intimidated by the blinking cursor anymore.
On the contrary, it felt welcoming somehow.
He took a deep breath.
Then continued typing.
