Free Web NovelChapter 142: Chapter 141 - The Fear of Failure
The problem began three days prior to the exam.
Not because something happened.
But because nothing happened.
Yui stopped making jokes.
Once again.
Not entirely.
But enough for others to notice it.
---
Everything went on as usual.
The study sessions continued.
The notes continued.
The practice tests continued.
Everything continued.
---
Yet something was different about the situation.
---
The closer the date grew,
The less vocal Yui became.
---
This wasn’t something anyone commented on at first.
Since they assumed it was totally natural.
Of course Yui was nervous.
Anyone would be under those circumstances.
But Kuro noticed something else.
Whenever she received praise or compliments.
She seemed uncomfortable.
Whenever someone complimented her skills and talents.
She immediately changed the topic of conversation.
Whenever somebody told her:
"You’ll definitely pass."
Yui smiled at them.
And then immediately looked elsewhere.
Something similar happened when they sat down for lunch.
Mina passed her another set of notes.
"You’ve got this."
She said.
Yui smiled politely in response.
---
"Mebbe."
Akari immediately pointed at her.
"—not maybe."
She corrected.
"Definitely."
Yui laughed.
The laugh didn’t seem sincere.
Nobody noticed it but Kuro and Aoi.
Aoi just quietly flipped to a new page of her book.
She noticed.
She simply didn’t comment.
After the lessons.
When they all met for yet another study session.
Yui showed up.
Sat down next to Akari.
Open her textbook.
But didn’t read anything.
Instead, she stared blankly at the same page.
For around ten minutes straight.
Kuro kept watching her.
Until he eventually got up from his seat.
"I’m getting coffee."
Nobody reacted except for Yui.
Because he looked right at her when he said that.
—get the message.
Follow me.
Yui feigned ignorance.
Unluckily.
This time, Kuro wouldn’t let it go.
Five minutes later.
They found themselves standing outdoors.
Walking through the silent campus grounds.
The evening sky had taken its orange hue by now.
People walked slowly home from their classes.
For several minutes.
Neither of them talked to each other.
Until Yui let out a sigh.
It was an audible sigh.
One you let out when you got tired of lying.
"Everyone thinks I’m going to pass."
Kuro glanced at her briefly.
"Well, you probably will."
"There it is again."
"What?"
"That."
Yui stopped in her tracks.
The usual smile was gone.
Completely gone.
The first time in weeks she actually seemed vulnerable.
"What if you’re all wrong?"
Kuro didn’t say anything.
So she continued.
Once she started talking.
Words kept flowing.
"What if Minami was wrong?"
Her voice got softer.
"What if my professors were wrong?"
Pause.
"What if everyone believed in a genius who wasn’t even real all along?"
This time, Kuro didn’t answer her.
Which prompted her to keep talking.
Because once the words came out.
They kept pouring out of her mouth.
"What if I’m not a genius?"
There it was.
Her fear.
Not failure.
Not the upcoming test.
Not the profession she wanted to choose.
That.
For years.
Everybody had been calling her gifted.
Talented.
Brilliant.
Special.
The future doctor.
The student who could excel in anything.
The genius.
All of those expectations piled up.
Adding another burden.
Turning compliments into another thing she couldn’t live up to.
Yui let out a soft laugh.
It was more sad than amusing.
"Do you know what happens after people tell you that long enough?"
She didn’t wait for an answer.
"You start being afraid to make them look foolish."
The words came out as soon as she thought about them.
All those years of frustration.
Pressure.
Feeling like she couldn’t breathe.
They came back.
"I failed once."
Her voice didn’t betray any emotions.
Too composed.
"I convinced myself it was bad luck."
Pause.
"I failed twice."
She hesitated.
"And suddenly everybody started seeing me differently."
It still hurt.
Teachers attempting to mask their disappointment.
Whispers among the students.
Their strange sympathy.
Silence.
The worst part.
Thoughts inside her own head.
Maybe you aren’t as smart as everyone believed.
Maybe it was all just your luck.
Maybe you fooled everybody.
Maybe you even fooled yourself.
Yui balled her fists.
"I hate this."
The words slipped out of her.
Before she could stop herself.
"I hate being afraid."
Silence.
The wind blew through the campus.
It was strangely empty that night.
Several seconds passed.
Nobody said anything.
Until Yui tried laughing again.
"Look at me."
She shook her head.
"Years of pretending I’m confident."
"Years of pretending nothing bothers me."
"And now I’m having an existential crisis before the exam."
Joke.
Or at least an attempt to make one.
Because this time she couldn’t hide it.
Her fear of failing.
Unable to pretend anymore.
Kuro simply kept watching her.
With that look which made her talk.
Yui noticed.
Which only made things worse.
Because she couldn’t avoid it now.
"What if I fail again?"
Whisper.
Hardly audible.
But louder than anything else she said.
That fear she had been trying to ignore.
Buried under hours of studies.
The one hidden below all other fears.
What if this is all that I am?
A girl who almost became a doctor.
An aspiring genius who failed.
A future somebody remembers for her potential rather than actual success.
This fear scared her more than anything else.
Much more than the exam.
Nothing happened for several seconds.
No inspiring words.
No encouraging statements.
No promises.
No:
"Of course you’ll pass."
No:
"Everything will be fine."
No:
"I believe in you."
Silence.
Yui raised her head and looked at Kuro confused.
Because he didn’t say anything people normally did at this point.
Finally.
He opened his mouth.
"Then prove it."
Yui blinked at him surprised.
"—what?"
"Prove it."
His tone was still very calm.
"If you’re afraid everyone was wrong."
"Prove it."
Yui stared at him in surprise.
Because this didn’t comfort her at all.
"Not really."
"I think it does."
"This doesn’t help."
"Yes, it does."
"No, it doesn’t."
"Yes, it does."
The conversation somehow sounded familiar.
Almost frustrating.
Which made it work.
Kuro stopped in the middle of the walkway.
And looked directly at her.
"You’re asking questions nobody can answer."
Pause.
"Not Minami."
"Not Aoi."
"Not me."
Pause.
"The test answers them."
Yui froze at that statement.
Because he was right.
Painfully so.
Nobody could solve this problem for her.
Nobody could erase her fears.
Nobody could make guarantees.
These were questions she needed to answer.
By herself.
In three days.
Sitting in an examination room.
Holding a pen in her hands.
With nowhere else to go.
And Yui understood that.
It was horrifying.
At the same time...
Strangely liberating.
Yui looked towards the sun setting.
That beautiful burning of colors.
Orange and gold hues.
Beautiful.
Temporary.
Like confidence.
For the first time ever.
She understood something.
Maybe courage wasn’t the lack of fear.
Maybe courage was attending anyway.
The fear stayed.
Doubts stayed.
Pressure stayed.
But they weren’t as overwhelming anymore.
Because she could see them properly now.
Not as enemies.
But as hurdles.
Difficult ones.
But still hurdles.
Several minutes later.
Yui started walking again.
Kuro followed her without saying a word.
There was no need for more conversation.
But before they got to the school entrance.
She spoke.
Softly.
"So your suggestion is..."
She chuckled softly.
"...basically stop overthinking and take the damn exam?"
Kuro nodded.
"Pretty much."
Yui rolled her eyes annoyed.
"That’s such an annoyingly simple solution."
"Thanks."
And for the first time that evening.
Real laughter came out of her throat.
Small.
But honest.
And as they continued their way to the darkening evening sky.
The fear remained.
But it no longer controlled her.
Completely.
Not anymore.
That night, Yui couldn’t sleep.
Once again.
---
Her room was dark aside from the light on her desk.
Medical textbooks littered the desk.
Practice questions decorated the wall.
Post-its reminded her of all the information she had to memorize.
---
Three days.
Only three days left.
---
Usually she would be working.
Studying.
Practicing.
Anything but sleeping.
---
Instead she lay on her bed, staring at the ceiling.
---
Words kept coming back to her.
---
Then prove it.
---
So annoying.
So simplistic.
So utterly frustrating.
---
And yet...
The more she thought about it.
The more it started making sense.
---
For so many years.
She had searched for assurance.
For somebody who would promise her success.
Someone who would reassure her that everything would turn out fine.
---
But no one could give her that.
---
Not Minami.
Not Kuro.
Not even herself.
---
There was only one place she could find the answer.
---
Exam hall.
---
Yui sighed and hid her face in her pillow.
---
"I hate reasonable people."
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Suddenly, her phone started vibrating.
---
She opened her eyes.
---
At this time of night?
---
The screen lit up.
---
Akari
---
Yui became suspicious.
Very suspicious indeed.
---
She answered.
---
"...Hello?"
---
"ARE YOU STUDYING?"
---
Yui almost dropped her phone.
---
"WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?"
---
"ANSWER MY QUESTION."
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"No?"
---
"GOOD."
---
Silence.
---
Yui blinked.
---
"What?"
---
"You should be sleeping."
---
"...Are you sure you’re really Akari?"
---
"I can always hang up if you want to keep arguing,"
---
"There she is." The balance was restored again.
---
A second voice came.
---
"Put me on speaker phone, please,"
---
"Aoi? What are you doing here?"
---
Why was Aoi with her friends?
---
"Because Akari went to my room without asking,"
---
"Without my consent," said Aoi.
---
"We have a family reunion today," Akari said proudly.
---
"Doesn’t that sound more appropriate?"
---
Mina joined in.
---
"Family meetings don’t need snacks," Yui heard.
---
"But Mina brought some," Rika added.
---
Yui realized something unexpected.
---
Somehow.
Near midnight.
Half the group met just because they were worried.
---
She hesitated for a second.
Then Akari spoke again.
---
"Listen to me carefully,"
---
The drama queen in her was back once more.
---
All of them groaned.
Even Yui.
---
"You are smart,"
---
Silence.
---
"You studied hard,"
---
More silence.
---
"You worked really hard,"
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Akari paused.
---
"So stop acting as though you’re going to battle a final boss alone,"
---
Her words seemed awkward and unpolished.
But sincere nonetheless.
---
Quietly, Aoi said:
---
"Mock exam showed your capabilities,"
---
Mina joined in.
---
"And if you are anxious, that’s perfectly natural,"
---
Rika said the same thing.
---
"Just think: if you pass the exam, I’ll get unlimited access to your medical knowledge,"
---
"Is that your contribution?"
---
"Yes,"
---
"Well, fair enough,"
---
Laughter erupted in the call.
---
Warm and comforting laughter that Yui had rarely heard lately.
---
Conversation gradually moved into ridiculous topics.
As always.
---
Akari offered a competition nobody knew how to play.
---
Rika mentioned a manga about doctors competing.
---
Mina struggled to keep everyone under control.
---
Aoi corrected all of them.
---
Everything sounded normal and silly.
Just comforting.
---
Yui listened and smiled.
---
Her fear did not go away.
There was still an exam waiting for her tomorrow.
Pressure was as high as before.
---
But now.
For the first time since forever.
She was not alone.
---
And when the call was finally over.
Yui looked at all those textbooks lying around on her desk.
---
Then switched off the lamp.
---
No study tonight.
No more preparations for the test.
---
Instead she crawled into bed.
Burrowed herself in a blanket.
And closed her eyes.
---
Three days remained.
The fear still lingered somewhere.
But for the first time ever.
She felt prepared for it.
