Free Web NovelChapter 447: Chapter 445: I Don’t Think I’ve Reached That Point
"I didn’t tell you this to see you cry, Susu. I’m not as good a person as you think. I’m terrible, and very manipulative. I knew you were soft-hearted, yet I told you anyway." freewebnovёl.ƈom
His eyes were incredibly red, as if he might burst into tears at any moment.
Xu Su gave a bitter smile. Of course she knew why he was telling her this, but what right did she have to blame him? It was clearly her fault. She was the one who had betrayed his sincerity, the one who had jumped straight into another relationship...
This scar on his wrist might never fade...
Xu Su gently stroked it, then carefully looked up. "Does it hurt?"
Xi Zirong froze for a second, then nodded, looking wronged. "...It hurts."
"..." Xu Su couldn’t bear to see him looking so pitiful. She cupped his wrist, blew on it gently, and, feeling incredibly guilty, gingerly placed a kiss on it.
Finally, she whispered, "I’m sorry..."
’She was truly filled with guilt...’
Xi Zirong remained silent for a long while before slowly smiling. "Since we broke up, the thing you’ve said to me most is ’I’m sorry.’ But you know, that’s the last thing I want to hear."
’That’s the last thing I want to hear...’
Xu Su’s head was splitting. She knew what he wanted to hear, but she just couldn’t do it. If she came back from this trip and tried to break up with Zhou Mochen, he would probably eat her alive...
’Unless I can split myself in two.’
’Then again, even if I did split myself in two, Zhou Mochen would definitely want both halves.’
He was perfect in every way; you could even say he was completely devoted to her every whim. Xu Su sometimes thought that, with the way Zhou Mochen spoiled her, if one day on a whim she said she wanted to fly up and circle the moon, he would probably find a way to make it happen.
He would give her anything she wanted—except a breakup. That was his absolute bottom line.
Xu Su felt so awful she had no idea what to do. ’If only I had the freedom to choose, if only I...’
"Okay, don’t look so torn up,"
Xi Zirong leaned in, his gaze impossibly gentle. "Susu, being unable to let you go is my problem. You don’t need to carry any psychological burden because of it. I just want you to be happy."
’I just want you to be happy...’
’Happy my ass!’
Xu Su took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eye. "I want you to be happy, too. So, Xi Zirong, tell me. Is there anything I can do to help you?"
Her gaze was frank and direct, filled with sincerity.
It was as if she were saying, ’Just tell me. If it’s something I can do, I’m willing to do it.’
As Xi Zirong watched her, an extravagant hope began to well up inside him, but he ruthlessly suppressed it.
’He couldn’t bring himself to take advantage of her guilt and make a demand that would put her in a difficult position.’
After a long silence, Xi Zirong finally just asked, "For the rest of the trip, can you stay with me?"
Xu Su hesitated for a moment, but seeing his expression begin to fall, she quickly nodded. "Okay, okay, okay."
’It wasn’t an unreasonable request, just traveling together to Lhasa.’ Xu Su thought for a moment, then squeezed his hand. "You must never, ever do something like this to yourself again. I promise I’ll never ignore your messages again."
’She’d had urges to self-harm before, so she knew that uncontrollable pain. Back then, she had been fed up with Shen Chen and didn’t know how to face Zhou Mochen. Driven by an escapist, head-in-the-sand mentality, she’d had the inexplicable impulse to hurt herself.’
’But what about Xi Zirong?’
’Xu Su didn’t dare to imagine how, during those days she had cruelly ignored his messages, he had slowly sunk into despair, to the point where the pain made him want to die.’ freewёbnoνel.com
...
They were in the tent for over two hours. When they came out, both their eyes were red, making them look like a pair of rabbits.
Sika and Jiang Chusheng were sitting at a round table not far from the tent, each holding a can of beer. When they saw the two finally emerge looking like that, Sika first looked startled, then broke into a mischievous grin. With her crush right beside her, she refrained from making any explosive comments.
She just beamed at Xu Su and said, "What did you two talk about? Seeing you cry like that, all tear-stained and beautiful, even I feel bad for you."
Xu Su pursed her lips, not saying a word. She was a bit embarrassed, so she just cracked open a can of beer and sat down.
After a few gulps of beer, Xu Su tilted her head back and went back to stargazing. Under the same starry sky, her state of mind was completely different than it had been two hours before.
The four of them sat in silence for a while, breaking up only when Xu Su, who was wearing shorts, started to feel cold.
On the way back, Sika’s eyes were practically sparkling with gossip.
Xu Su happened to be weighed down by a mountain of worries with no one to confide in, so she gave Sika a brief rundown of her entanglement with Xi Zirong and Zhou Mochen.
She hesitated for a moment, but decided not to mention Xi Zirong cutting his wrist. After all, it was his private business, and she had no right to share it with anyone else.
After explaining everything she could, Xu Su condemned herself once more, sighing mournfully, "I’m such a terrible person!"
Sika didn’t interrupt once. When Xu Su finished, she was silent for a moment before asking, "So, who do you actually like?"
Xu Su: "..."
Seeing her speechless expression, Sika’s eyes went wide. "Don’t tell me you don’t even know yourself?"
"No, no, of course I know," Xu Su quickly denied, but after a moment’s thought, she hesitated. "But if we’re talking about that ’can’t-live-without-him’ kind of love... I don’t think I’m there with either of them."
She could adapt just fine without either Zhou Mochen or Xi Zirong. She didn’t have much desire for material possessions. Without Zhou Mochen, she could have used her scholarship from City No.1 High School to enroll at University B and become one of its new students.
’I’d lose the decadent lifestyle and being the center of everyone’s world, but I would still have a bright future.’
’This had been her plan for this life right after she was reborn. She never expected that after all the twists and turns, she still wouldn’t be able to escape the insurmountable obstacle that was Zhou Mochen.’
’If it were just Zhou Mochen, that would be one thing, but then I had to go and attract Xi Zirong into the mix.’
Sika looked at her, aghast. "Holy shit. Turns out you’re the real player here."
"..." Xu Su was speechless. Her face clouded with worry again. "What do you think I should do?"
"Being so indecisive is only going to make things more complicated,"
Sika mulled it over for a moment before saying seriously, "From my understanding, falling in love definitely involves exclusivity and a desire for possession. If you don’t feel that, it’s either because you haven’t needed to feel it yet, or because you’re not in love. You don’t love either of them. You still haven’t met the one you’re truly meant to love."
Xu Su instinctively started to object, but Sika cut her off before she could speak:
"Look, I think it’s impossible you don’t have feelings for either of these top-tier guys. A more likely possibility than you not loving either of them is that you’re just incredibly lucky. The guys you’ve met love you more and more each time. You don’t even have to ask; they automatically satisfy your ’desire for possession’ on their own."
"You’ve been given so much security in your relationships that you’ve never experienced the pain of insecurity, so you’ve never felt the importance of ’exclusivity’."
