Free Web NovelChapter 562: I didn’t want to know, but needed to hear
"Are you serious right now?" Cass flinched as something slammed down. Cass jerked his gaze towards the sound and found it was Sam slamming his fist against a table. The table trembled under his hand, his face streaked with tears as he glared at Cass.
His voice didn’t tremble, his hands white from how tight he was gripping them, and his brown gaze was furious. Cass was at a loss, and then flinched even harder when movement from the other couch started.
It was Gideon and Edgar, both moving together but not in unison. Gideon’s legs shifted, his hands coming down on his knees, his elbows down as he clasped his hands. His expression when Cass met it was dark. Angry.
He looked pissed beyond belief.
Cass hadn’t even seen him look like this when he was convinced he needed to turn against his family and friends to out Cass as a demon.
Edgar’s face was contorted in pain. He wouldn’t stop crying, frantically wiping at his face with his hands to stop the tears but it was a useless act. He couldn’t stop them for all that he was worth.
Cass’ heart twitched once, twice, before it felt like all of his internal organs were on fire. He did not feel good, his whole body radiating pain in a way that he couldn’t put into words. His breath was ragged, his own eyes damp, but everyone was so angry at him that he knew that he couldn’t ask them for help.
"Y-Yeah." Cass whispered, the word taking everything good out of him. He was the one who brought this up. He was the one who started this. He had to be the one who finished it.
Another slam, another flinch. Cass wouldn’t have been surprised if they hit him at this point. He now understood what the energy in the room had been.
Anger. It had been anger that had made the room stale and stagnant. They were angry at him.
Of course they would be angry at him. He had been keeping more secrets from them, keeping truths that he shouldn’t keep from them. What choice did he have? They were story characters, in a sense. It made sense to keep distance from them because he needed to be able to drop them to keep working on the mission he’d been given.
That was what he was telling himself at least.
Cass was working himself up, hunching in on himself in real time. The others could all see it. See how his thoughts were affecting him, turning him into a shriveled shell of the powerful man that he normally was.
Sam slammed his hand down again and Cass closed his eyes, hunching in on himself further. He thought that they had every right to be angry at him. What he wasn’t expecting was the quick footsteps and the thin but very strong arms wrapping around him and slamming him back into the chair.
"You are a stupid idiot." Sam wasn’t quiet, he wasn’t even subtle. He told Cass that to his face. Cass froze, surprised by the anger in his voice. Sam’s grip tightened on him. "What do you mean by that? Are you doubting me? Are you doubting my loyalty?" Sam was pissed. Cass had no idea what to say in the face of his anger.
"I, uh, well," Cass fumbled, unsure what to even say. Sam squeezed him tighter.
"What the fuck does it even matter when you’re planning to merge souls anyways? Why are you getting so damn upset? You’ll be the same person in the end." Sam growled and it was like a punch to the gut. From Sam of all people.
Cass pulled away, pushing Sam away. He wasn’t sure what his face looked like, wasn’t even sure what he was feeling but it was strong enough to push Sam away.
His stomach twisted in knots, his pain eating him up inside.
Sam froze, his anger halted as Cass stared at him.
"So it’s true." Cass said quietly. His hands shook where he held Sam back from him. "You don’t." They were soft words. Quiet words, but it was clear that something had gone terribly wrong.
Cass moved to flee. He needed to get out of there. He couldn’t be there anymore. He needed anything but-
"Wait, no!" Sam shouted, reaching for Cass but Cass wouldn’t let him grab him. He couldn’t. It hurt to be around him. Sam was supposed to be his friend. His non-blood brother. To hear him say it like that had been incredibly painful. To have it confirmed that Cass was only worth something in Cassian’s body really hurt. Cass could barely breathe.
Fuck. He couldn’t do a damn thing right.
Cass stumbled, his legs barely holding him up as he tried to get up, tried to escape. Sam didn’t reach for him again, realising with great pain that it was him that Cass was trying to flee. Cass didn’t get far though.
No one was going to let him leave. It was just surprising who grabbed him.
Gideon wrapped his hand around Cass’ wrist, yanking the man towards him until Cass stumbled, fell, and landed hard on Gideon’s lap. Stunned, Cass had no idea what to do while Gideon closed ranks.
He wrapped his arm around Cass’ back, his hand sliding around Cass to grip onto his thigh. It was a possessive touch, and one that also told Cass that he could not leave. Gideon was still holding onto Cass’ wrist, his grip tight, nearly bruising on Cass’ delicate skin.
"Sam wasn’t saying that your delusion was right." Gideon said carefully. He was clearly choosing his words, the well-contained rage behind his words forcing Cass to pay attention to what was leaving his mouth. Cass was stiff, awkward, caught like a deer who wanted to flee but couldn’t. "He was saying that this feeling you’re feeling won’t matter in the end because you’ll be the same person in the end. Why does it matter if we like you more than Cassian? Why are you trying to hurt yourself no matter what?" Cass flinched like he’d been struck.
Was that what he was doing? He knew that the question was a bit out of left field, but he didn’t think it was a wrong thing to ask. The fact that none of them could answer it properly was half of the answer in itself.
"No matter what we say, Cass, you’re going to be upset." Gideon told him through clenched teeth. "I can tell. You’ll be upset if we say that we only care about you. You’ll be upset if we say we only care about Cassian. So, why does that fucking question matter?" Gideon scoffed. "The gods didn’t even intend for you two to be separate anyways. This is a ridiculous question." Cass tensed.
"It’s not." Cass defended, getting upset at Gideon’s tone.
"It is." Gideon argued. "Anything that makes you this upset is ridiculous. Especially when it hurts you to even ask it." Cass felt his face heat in embarrassment. Why was Gideon being so observant right fucking now? Why was he watching him like this? He didn’t know him. He didn’t know anything!
Cass turned, ready to open his mouth and release foul words, words that he couldn’t take back if he wanted to, when he met the solid, angry gaze of the knight who was holding him. Cass felt the words die in his throat.
Gideon was staring at him angrily, his red hair flopping into his face, but deep inside was a deep sadness. A deep, unending sadness that made Cass pause. Why was he sad? ƒгeewёbnovel.com
"Cass." Gideon said softly then frowned. "Caspian." He corrected and Cass felt woozy hearing his own name out loud from his lips. "It’s only going to hurt you if you hear how much we didn’t like Cassian. You know that, yet you’re trying to convince yourself that the one we don’t like is you. Why? Is that going to make you feel less guilty for what you have to do to save him?" Gideon stabbed into the core of the issue.
Cass sucked in a deep breath, the pain sharp and unending as the wound was opened up completely.
"I like him." Cass said softly and Gideon’s expression softened slightly. "I like him and I hurt him." Cass admitted. Gideon’s hands tightened on Cass’ body.
"Caspian, Cassian knew exactly what he was signing up for. Embarrassingly, the reason why I wasn’t able to tell you two were different souls is because you two are so similar. I am sure he asked about as many questions of the gods as you did. Maybe even more. I have no doubt that he knew the risks. Knew there was a chance he wouldn’t exist at the end of the day." Gideon hesitated. "I also think that like the rest of us, Cassian probably liked how you stood up for everyone you thought deserved it. Including him." Gideon’s tone softened significantly when he said that.
Cass trembled in his lap.
A soft hand reached for Cass, touching his side and Cass jumped. That didn’t stop Edgar in the slightest.
"Caspian." It was so strange to hear his name after so long. He’d gotten used to the blended form he’d been using, the nickname, the connection between him and Cassian. Hearing his name outside of the dark void was...strange. "Caspian, I don’t like seeing you hurt like this, but I also don’t like to be the one who hurts you more." Edgar admitted. "However, Gideon is right. Cassian wasn’t...I can feel a deeper sympathy for him now but he wasn’t a good person. You know that, right?" Cass winced.
He knew that better than most.
"He was perfect. As a human and a demon." Sam defended. "He always will be, no matter what form he takes." Cass exhaled slowly.
"Sam, shut up for now." Edgar muttered. "Your loyalty is admirable, but that’s not what Caspian needs right now." Edgar sighed, his own breath shaky, his hand trembling. "Caspian, I won’t lie and say that I have love for Cassian. It wouldn’t be fair to him or to you. It’s you I fell in love with, and I’m sure Gideon would say the same. I know that’s hard for you to hear because you had every intention to leave us in the end, but that’s the truth. We wouldn’t have stayed around if you suddenly changed back into Cassian." Edgar told him. "We wanted you." His voice broke and Cass shuddered.
His breathing was ragged, his body shaking, trembling and jerking from the weight of those words. He hadn’t wanted to hear it. Hadn’t want to know. He had wanted to live in delusion. Wanted to believe that once he left that he’d be able to hand everything over to Cassian so that he could live the life he never got to.
Experience the joy that Cass hadn’t been able to live until he got here.
"Why?" Cass asked, broken.
"He’s not you, Caspian." Gideon said softly and Cass started crying. "And that’s okay." Gideon whispered, holding him as he cried. "I think Cassian knew that and was okay with it too." Gideon spoke with confidence.
"Why are you so sure?" Cass asked, broken.
"Because I would think the same way if someone came to take this burden off of my shoulders too, Caspian. Cassian and I aren’t all that different when it comes to running away." Gideon’s smile was bitter as Cass met his gaze. A companion. An understanding of repressed desires.
